I’m Not Dying… lol
Filed under: Cartoon Picture, Drunken Tangent, www.MikeSouth.com
I wrote this on Mike’s Blog some weeks ago, but it was so depressing that I deleted it and wrote a happier post the next day. lol I had just tried out a new job and quit and was feeling a bit down on myself for feeling stuck. Happiness vs. Sucking It Up And Taking It, just like the last job. I’m only just now beginning to pull myself out of that haze. Funky!
Well, I am dying – incrementally like everyone else – but I’m not going to kill myself and I sincerely apologize for my drama queen post last week. Fuck it. Sometimes we deserve to just be pissed about life, man! A friend of mine sent me a slew of Bukowski quotes today, and while I remember having read them in the past (I’m sorry, but I can’t ever consider you a serious writer unless you have at least read something by Buk, and more importantly, understand it - especially the incredible poetry), I don’t retain quotes so it’s nice to have them pointed out, again. Good stuff. The poor guy just wanted to be alone and not have to play the same games most people play, but I like laughing and finding things funny, I just don’t like feeling like a loser because I don’t want to kill myself making someone else a ton of money while I cripple my hands for them over a keyboard, while I waste four hundred and eighty hours of my precious life just commuting to their office every year so I can spend another one thousand nine hundred and twenty hours sitting in their bought or rented real estate while they stand over me and make me feel like a piece of shit for not being better, or congratulating me while they promise the stars and never deliver. That’s not to say there aren’t good people out there who don’t take care of their own, but I don’t want to be my Mom and Dad, not ever. They kill themselves for just a little piece of something good they can call their own. Forgive me if I’d rather not die killing myself for that. Forgive me if I’d rather not die killing myself for someone else’s idea of glorified mediocrity. And that is not to disrespect them or the lives they’ve led, it is, in fact, in respect to them because they would agree with my assertion wholeheartedly.
I know people think porn isn’t art, but it took a friend’s email to remind me that art does have a definition. We’ve seen the male and female talent deliver spoon-fed lines because they couldn’t be bothered to memorize the script the week, or night, or day of the shoot. Who’s going to fire them for not knowing their dialogue? No one, especially knowing they’ll just be hiring and then waiting for someone else to show up who knows and cares as much or less about the same group of words. Only the crew really suffers since they break their backs for days in a row to make a measly pay for their expertise at setting up lights and anticipating what the director will want before he or she steps onto the set and yells at them for not doing something. I knew a woman who chronically showed up hours late to set and yelled at people for not working. And it wasn’t that she didn’t work, it’s just that her work was multitasking and getting paid a very pretty penny to do so. It never occurred to her to do anything on time so that people on set wouldn’t get bored and restless and meander about waiting for direction since they can’t shoot the fucking movie without a director. Ugh…
Anyway, my friend sent an email and reminded me what art really is. “Real art needs life experiences to be valid. Academic theory is interesting and important but pales in comparison to life experience. We are made in experience.” How can we say what is art and what is not until we look at it deeply?
I know that porn doesn’t seem like art, but how much of corporate mainstream moneymaking is art? Really? Do you really think someone crying on a reality show wasn’t prompted to cry by the background workings of the executives and someone yelling at them that there isn’t enough fucking drama going on? There is no “art” in that. Planned train wrecks? No. That is shallow scheming, and it’s worse than porn, because at least porn people know they’re going to get fucked once they arrive and work on the set. Until recently, a lot of “regular” people did not know that. Another friend wrote about the joke that is American Idol. “None of the artists I love that are true artists and are truly talented would stand a chance on that show!” It’s true. It reminds me of that Robert Redford-directed movie Game Show. It’s all staged. Porn may be one of the last honest businesses there is, except for the pieces of shit who trick women into doing things on camera that they don’t want to do. Women show up in droves to have sex on camera, and I think you are the scum of the fucking earth if you take a happy and willing male or female and warp their will because you need a certain kind of product and risk breaking them to get something you could easily get from someone else except that you’re so twisted and fucked up that you need the challenge of pushing someone’s boundaries when they are not comfortable doing something. I had to sit for hours at a job and watch filthy fucking people push young girls right to the edge of their mental well-being, slapping them, humiliating them, beating them up just to cater to some fucked up group of people out in the world that I don’t understand… yet sympathize with. Why else would I counsel trolls on my own site? Why would I counsel anyone except that I’ve seen it, too, and I really sympathize and want them to ask the important questions and help them get past that broken mentality. The broken bullshit mentality of the cruel people I’ve met – the ex-lover and a pimp/hooker that would trade a “friend” to the devil for just a few bucks.
I have worked for greedy fucking people who only care about the bottom line, and to quote Jeff Bridges’ character in Crazy Heart, “If they knew their sisters were turning five dollar tricks, they’d overbook them.” What can I do? It pains me. It turns my stomach. And not just that I witnessed these things but that I didn’t say anything. At this point I’d be willing to interview any twisted person in the industry just to look into their eyes and see if they actually have a soul. Just to ask them, “Why? When there are willing and able babes out there who will gladly do any manner of thing and enjoy it, why do you have to find the sweetest people and turn them around? Why is it necessary and how do you sleep at night?” The greatest scum bags always say the same thing, “I don’t lie. I tell them exactly what’s going to happen.” Bullshit! It’s all a matter of perspective. Maybe you don’t “lie”, but you do deceive. It’s reverse psychology. It’s subtle, but it is definitely deceptive. “It won’t get any worse than this,” followed by viewing a bit of some similar video. Say it as soothing as possible and then the scene comes and the girl is crying. She didn’t have to, but you didn’t have to, either. Interesting how scum bags absolve themselves of blame after they facilitate someone else’s ruin just to make some money. Just to make money!
I have been lucky to meet ten or fifteen people in porn who are good people, and I have been lucky to meet a hundred people in my entire life that are good people, or were, at some point. I posted a button taking donations to continue paying my bills, but honestly, I’d be more than happy to hold a sign and stand out on the street and get an actual look at someone’s soul as they walk by and know whether or not I really want to continue being here. Are we born with souls or do we earn it? Well, I know this much, you’re not living until you have one, and if you don’t have one, yet, lose everything and get one, because nothing matters and everything is shit without it.
I don’t want to die in a bottle, but I don’t want to die without my soul, either, and that is much more important than the former.
Aaaaaand…. pass out!
Lydia!! Put the wine down and back away!! lol
The Best Whore You Can Be!
I wrote this sometime last year and accidentally posted it yesterday while cleaning up the “Categories” on the site, so this will be the first “RETRO DRUNKEN TANGENT” in what could be a long line of Retro Drunken Tangents. Oh my… And for what the end of these things look like, I’ve provided an illustration. 
Oh, the writing life! How to be honest and open, simple and profound and opinionated without being too preachy, and on and on… For all the negative things I can say about one person I can say just as many, if not more, about myself, but I am certain of this – we are all whores on some level. We have all done unsavory things for our own reasons, at some cost, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. It’s life. Being an actual whore was nothing next to other compromises I’ve made in my life, but it’s all just lessons, and then how we interpret the things that happen to us and redefine them through who we become. It’s all experience, and experience is good.
I love the word “whore”. And I love whores, because my “saints” will always be “sinners” – people who know what they know because they’ve been in the trenches and know firsthand exactly what something looks like, feels like, tastes like, etc… I think whores have a lot to offer the world if we can get past our fear of them and of sex and who we are as sexual creatures. There are whores I don’t like, but that’s to be expected. All I can offer today’s whore are a few tips on how to be the best whore you can possibly be.
Always work on your heart. We know you have to harden it a little, but don’t let your core get spoiled because people pay you compliments and put you on a pedestal and give you things. You are not making direct advancements in science (that I know of), nor are you making medical breakthroughs or overcoming incredible political odds to ensure that entire nations can live free and prosper because you have spent sleepless hours scheming and promulgating the right course of action against your political adversaries. Please don’t act like the entire world continues to spin only because you wake up in gossamer robes and take a big freakin’ gulp of air into your precious little princess lungs. (That is directed at men and women, by the way.)
Ava Vincent was someone I knew, back in the day, who acted like the sun rose and set with her. She could be different today, I don’t know, although I do hope so, but she acted rudely and I couldn’t figure it out. I am a huge proponent of sex workers, but I think everyone should be called on their shit from time-to-time. Goodness knows I need it constantly! Doug does it so well, too.
She walked up to me on the set of… a Nic Cramer shoot, can’t remember the picture name, but I was only a few months into having my full C-cup breasts, and she said, “So, how many people hate your boobs?” with that weird semi-cross-eyed look she has because her eyes don’t line up with direct focus, like they’re slightly repelled by each other. I’m not sure what I said, I do know I expected her weird behavior by then and didn’t flinch. I probably said, “One.” I’m honest. I did, though, get to really freak her out one day on set. I knew she’d be taken aback by the most unlikely response in a person, so just to get her goat, as I was approaching her on the Sin City set, “Watchers”, I waited until she centered me in that weird reptilian stare she has and said, in the most obnoxious and overly perky voice I could muster at 8am, “WHAT’S UP BEAUTIFUL!?” Ha! I thought she was going to fall over backwards. It was the funniest damn thing, and it made my fucking day.
The point is, it doesn’t matter if you are a natural asshole, which can be an endearing quality to the handful of people who tolerate you, always work on yourself and practice humility. There is nothing worse than an uppity whore. Sometimes I wanted to stop her and say, “Um… don’t you gurgle cum for a living? What exactly is your problem?” Try to treat people well. And fight for your soul, no matter what. You will, like everyone, experience difficult times, but try to remember the people who help you, and when your clarity returns after moments of darkness, try to go back and apologize to the people you may have hurt. It heals you and it heals that person, who is just an extension of you, anyway. We are never that different form each other. The power of, “I apolgize,” and “I’m sorry,” is incredible. Even if you shouldn’t be the one to apologize, I bet you can find a reason and it will, more than likely, unleash the floods of apology in the other person. Then slap ‘em and say, “I just said that so you’d apologize!” j/k
I picked on Jenna Jameson last week, and I’d love to apologize for that, but I can’t because I’m about to pick on her again.
She makes for a great example of how not to be when you get some success in this industry. Listen, reach for the things you want, but try to handle it with some tact and diplomacy. I am waiting for the day when someone replaces her as the female voice of porn because even though I’m sure she still gets some residual checks, she is not the great figurehead, anymore. Ron Jeremy is, Nina Hartley… Jenna does some harsh things that are not becoming of a woman who should be grateful to her fans and the industry that made her.
Some people follow her tweets and talk about her shows, so if any of this is untrue, someone tell me.
1) The industry blogs follow industry people’s tweets pretty closely, so when they do their copy and paste I would say it’s fair to say they are following the right person with exactly what they’re saying and what they mean when they say it. One tweet has Jenna saying something adverse about a woman who has said angry things about her, but her comment is interesting. Her comment states that she feels sorry for people who are still performing at the age of forty-five, and that she has moved on. Why feel sorry for someone who is performing at the age of forty-five? Is this suggestive that a forty-five-year-old is forced to perform at their “advanced” age and is somehow pathetic for that reason? Hmm… If so, that is not only a rude assumption, it is insensitive and, honestly, only something an ignorant cunt would say. I have a streak of fair and unfair in me, and I can say that if you think you aren’t still a whore even after you’ve “moved on”, you have forgotten how you got where you are. I’d say that’s a pretty shitty way to be.
2) There is also the information that she shares more than a few funny quips back and forth on the Howard Stern Show. Did she actually say that David Navarro has a small penis? Is this somehow useful information? I know the Howard Stern Show is about bashing people and making them feel bad, and I’m not a David Navarro fan, per se, but I can’t stand people who exchange particulars about their in-bed antics with celebrities. Who cares!? How low do you have to be to share on a live broadcast that someone has a small penis? My first guess would be that that person hurt you and you are extracting revenge. And what if the guy actually does have a small penis? What a cunt you would have to be to say that. Unless, of course, everyone listening is taking into account that you could have the largest vagina known to man and wouldn’t know what a small penis actually is because of how much is needed to fill your gaping hole.
You do not have to be mean to people just because you have an audience and you think that’s the only way to entertain. Not true. Of course, Hitler had an audience, so to the audiences out there, be careful who you actually pay attention to, whether you like seeing them have sex or not. Just because they can make a buck and also look good when they’re getting fucked does not mean you shouldn’t close your ears when their mouths open to opinion. I’m just sayin’…
Practice humility, don’t take yourself too seriously, and watch out for people who promise you the stars. Mainstream people might say they can do things for you, but be cynical. Some cynicism is healthy. Most of those people just want to have sex with you, so play hardball, but if you get opportunities that are substantial, take it! It’s not the success that’s bad, it’s how you get it and handle it. You are wonderful just the way you are, and you are a star in your own right and you should remember that. People may try to harass you and call you names, but they would, anyway! Life will always be a little bit like High School, because most people never grow up, that’s just the way it is. Develop a sense of humor, work on your personal philosophies and try not to shit on people on your way to the top. It’s not complicated, really. The only thing that ever gets complicated is you.
No one has to listen to me. My life is best spent questioning the world around me. I love it when people question me because it forces me to dig deeper. I don’t care if no one cares what I have to say, but I’m happy to say it, anyway. What’s the point in having a voice if you don’t use it? Oh! And don’t be afraid to ask questions and also respond to questions with, “I don’t know.” It’s the best kind of answer because you can only say it when you truly don’t know. It feels good to say it, too. “I don’t know.” No one cares if you are dumb, not if you are actually interested in learning. My friend was asking about the PS3 video console and I said, “What the fuck is a PS3 video console? It’s a console for video games? What the fuck does that meant?” He laughed hard, but I was serious. I have a console in my car. A center console. I put dumb things in it. He was quoting $300 for a “console”! I found out that it is the actual game unit. It’s the actual electronic device you insert the games into, but I didn’t know. Whether you’re young or old, you don’t know everything, so ask questions! If you’re genuinely curious, someone will indulge you in the answer. People liked to be asked questions, anyway. In fact, a good way to ask a questions is, “I know I should probably know this, but look at me, why would I know…” and then proceed with your question. I get a good hard laugh when I preface my questions in this way. Well, come on! We are whores for a reason.
… followed by…
Oh my…
Perdition in a Post, by Julie Meadows
Filed under: Archive Posts, Drunken Tangent, www.MikeSouth.com
I originally wrote this at Mike South’s blog on March 24, 2010. It is being added to other articles under the category ‘Archive Posts’.
I’m drinking a beer. Why? Because in my life, and what I’ve been through, and what I’ve seen, I deserve to drink a beer. I deserve to drink. A. Lot. Of. Beer!
I was thinking about life today, and the cookie-cut picture we see that we’re supposed to envision and push for… for ourselves. I should be going to the gym. I should be drinking lots of water. I should be doing a lot of things that I’m not doing… why? Because it’s not practical. It’s not practical for me to want to eat like a herbivore just to keep my weight down when I’m not a person with a naturally fast metabolism. It’s not practical for me to want to go to a gym and pretend that fifty people aren’t standing right next to me pretending that I’m not there and listening to my headphones because the music playing isn’t good enough because I don’t actually follow what’s popular on the radio anymore. I’m supposed to want to hang out around people without hanging out with them and act like I’m having the time of my life sweating and running when I have bad knees and don’t actually even like people anymore and can’t stand maneuvering around strangers like they’re moving furniture that’s in my way. I don’t live in an era where exercise comes naturally because I have to tend a farm or round up my cattle or fish or doing anything outside at all. I live today. I live in a fast food world where everything revolves around the computer and the cell phone and my cyborg-looking blue tooth because it’s illegal to drive and hold the phone at the same time because dumb people have caused traffic accidents by talking and texting, and I can’t afford another traffic ticket!
And then that’s not even true, because I do like people, and I want to connect, it just seems so impractical to try with so little time and so many people to maneuver around. I’m finding it hard to read a friend’s book even though it’s good and interesting, because I work, and after work I work some more. And when do I make time for my sweet, wonderful, loving and incredibly perfect man? After work? Before work? Between bouts of work? Between issues?
I shouldn’t even start about issues. I can’t watch one damn thing without seeing some seemingly intelligent person utter something idiotic about “hos” and “bimbos”. How is it that people who seem educated and enlightened get a free pass to be completely stupid when it comes to attractive women who have sex in a more liberated manner than others? I like Bill Maher, thoroughly enjoyed “Religulous” and even defended him a bit against the dark political observations from my wonderful man as I watched his latest show – I don’t know what it’s called – and then Bill goes on a mini tangent about how some women are just “hos”, and how pimps sing about their “hos”. Thank goodness audiences are becoming more reluctant to applaud these awkward, unexplaining, dismissive and irrelevant rants, because from me to you – IT’S BORING! Irrelevant and BORING. Even Star Jones only got a very reluctant bit of applause after referring to Tiger Wood’s women as “gold digging”. Star, you better not ever get married again, because married women are the most “gold digging” “hos” on the planet. Politicians tell you what you want to hear and play games behind your back, while a few will play it straight. This model is flipped for sex workers. It’s honest, it’s “out there”, and a few shady people will play you for something you didn’t expect. Why is it okay for these “intelligent” people to fashionably blow off an entire group of women with broad generalizations and prejudice statements they would never, themselves, stand for?? One’s African-American and the other is a Jew. Shame on you both! I’ll say this, if you really want to know the actual intelligence of any so-called intelligent person – ever! – ask them about “blonde bimbos” and “hos”. Hell, ask them anything at all about sex. That will tell you everything you need to know.
I have gay friends that can’t get married, female friends that can’t be heard because they’re pretty and they feel like they don’t really matter. Our society pushes down its love and teaches us that we have to fight to earn other’s love. Fight? To earn love? Does that make any sense at all? Fight for love? I’ve been fighting for love my whole life. I’ve been fighting for everything I have my whole life! My life is one big fight, and all I know how to do… is fight! Fighting hasn’t taught me a goddamned thing about love. Fighting has taught me how to fight, and be angry, and feel hurt because no one knows how to love indiscriminately. If I’m at the bottom of the totem pole, who’s below me? When is it my turn to be a fashionable bigot? Should I spout my so-called intelligence and enlightenment and then flippantly put down an African-American woman who’s not that different from me except that she’s still a prostitute and has AIDS? Who is lower than me that I could and should easily discard them in order to fit in with the pop culture icons we watch on t.v. that normally have intelligent things to say and then put down someone like me because it’s accepted, because no one questions it? Is a gay Indian boy with AIDS lower than me? A child, because they’re powerless? Priests and school teachers seem to think so. Our government thinks so. Texas is voting to oust Thomas Jefferson’s very mention from the school curriculum because he doesn’t fit in with the religious views shared by the Republicans in power there, and according to the New York Times, they want to present, “…Republican political philosophies in a more positive light.” By stealing education?? What is left after children? Animals? Oh, wait… What? Animals actually have better representation than I do?! Oh… The lowly blonde bimbo gets dumped on by the voyeurs from every angle?? Great! All I need is a normally sweet and loving cow to flip me the bird and plant a cow paddy in my path and make a joke at my expense and hope I run crying just to prove some non-existence point about my ignorance. Get one of these pieces of shit to actually tell you what’s wrong with having sex, and making money, and showing off your body. They can’t! The emotional idiots will always try to throw you off with emotionally-charged, degrading words that “exemplify” what they mean. Why? Because they can’t articulate what is actually wrong with any of it. “Gold digger, “ho”, “bimbo”… are supposed to convey feelings, not logic. Ask one of these perverts what’s really wrong with any of it. They can’ tell you because it’s actually relative, explainable, arguable and not illegal. Only prostitution is illegal. And they’d have porn be illegal, too, just to throw all the attractive women in a dark cell somewhere, because no matter how much they pretend to like beauty, they hate it, and they rape it like they rape everything else that’s naturally pure.
And I’m supposed to take all this shit and not want to murder anyone, and not want to murder myself, and want to strive for a healthy and wonderful and beautiful and enriched life because “I deserve it!” Because my self-esteem should be better! Because my intelligence should make me more, more, more! I should be trying to set a postive example because I owe it to the next person even though no one ever thought to show that to me! Why do I drink? BECAUSE I DESREVE A MOTHERFUCKING DRINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What is Love?/What is Porn?
Someone wrote to me and asked, “What is porn?” My answer follows:
I think love is feeling connected somehow. I think love is definitely the connective feelings one has with a friend, or a partner, or a spouse, or a parent or guadian. Feeling connected is a good feeling. I think porn is the striving to describe that connectivity and provide profitable entertainment. You will separate this from mainstream forms of entertainment, but you’re wrong.
Any time you have to go so far out of your way to convince people you are connected, you’re not connected. Someone you think you “know” and love is performing a part on screen – even if it’s Oscar-worthy – if they have to perform at all, chances are they have intimacy issues. We separate adult from every other form of entertainment, but it’s not a realistic separation. It’s all performed moments by, at least… or mostly, people with intamacy issues.
We can say River Phoenix was a great actor, Kurt Cobain, Corey Haim… we can say people are good at performing and they entertain us, but artists suffer a lot because there are properties about their lives that are fundamentally displaced or askew, not completely aligned, and so they pursue work that gets them the attention they need in the over-amplified limelight setting. Eventually, they can be damaged when they don’t try to heal their intimacy issues. There’s a line from “Chicago” that goes:
“And the audience loves me!
And I love them
And they love me for loving them
And I love them for loving me
And we love each other
And that’s because none of us
Got enough love in our childhoods
And that’s showbiz…
Kid”
That is showbiz. You can glamourize mainstream showbusiness and demonize adult showbusiness, but it’s no different. And you still have to be a performer to last. You can’t do one or five jobs and last for ten years without knowing how to perfrom and show up on time and break your back to make it happen. Focus! You can’t do either one without focus. Porn stars deserve some credit for what they do, because it’s a hell of a lot harder to have sex in front of the camera than it is to pretend at some emotion. You think I’m wrong? Try either one. What do you surrender when you bare your soul? A little awkwardness? Do you cry? Big deal. It’s a little emotion and then it’s gone. You surrender everything when you open your legs. If it seems easier for sex workers to disconnect from their emotions, don’t kid yourself. There’s nothing easy about it. You make the decision to do porn and you immediately stare at your entire future. Anything else and you can view it incrementally, but not so with porn. It’s a lifetime of coldness and in the end, it’s the hardest thing to overcome. And it all amounts to wanting to be loved.
“What is porn?” you ask… It’s what you do when you’re disconnected. The priests who rape boys and look at their shoes and then look at the camera and try to affect some kind of emotion… “I was addicted to porn.” No! You are addicted to yourself and your own selfish needs and you don’t need these men and women, or the people you’ve molested. You need your pleasure and you don’t care who you hurt to get it. Satisfy yourself with your own impudent performance, but you are faking it, still, to please your goddamned constituency!
Is porn the disconnected female who concedes to being “exploited”? She’s furniture to you, and she’s furniture to everyone else. And men are “meat puppets”. They’re all furniture and expendable and as disposable as the soldiers who die so you can enjoy your fucking freedom and your fucking porn.
“What is porn?” you ask… Porn is you, and your empty soul, because you even have to ask the question. Dig deep and you’ll find you can asnwer your own fucking questions, asshole.
P.S. – I’m pissed (drunk), and if you don’t like it, go suck your own ball sack! Amateur…
For Real, by Julie Meadows
Filed under: Archive Posts, Drunken Tangent, www.MikeSouth.com
I originally wrote this at Mike South’s blog on November 25, 2009. It is being added to other articles under the category ‘Archive Posts’.
Maybe it’s the holiday thing – I don’t think so – but I’m feeling a little sentimental. I mean, I’m feeling a bit benevolent and I want to impart some real food for thought on this pre-holiday day.
We all (in the industry), write about our work; what makes us happy, what makes us sad, what should be better, why the rest of the world is ridiculously shallow and inept. I was reading about Jenna Jameson’s Oprah Winfrey appearance and I had a thought, ‘What if we just stopped caring what the mainstream media thought about us?’ I had this scenario pass through my mind afterwards:
The prepared reporter approaches her porn subject with story in mind and asks something simple, but the rat on the wheel fails to perform and instead turns around and says, “Who are you? Get away from me!”
What if we didn’t care that “regular” people got us? Mainstream people, “normal” people, non-adult people? What if we weren’t chasing success and gratification through these means? Everyone wants to be successful at something. Adult industry people are successful! All the success-chasing leads to more corruption than anything else! I’ve learned a few things about “successful” people of the world. They are cheap, they rape you and your children, they don’t give an inch or care about you beyond what you can do for them, and they are the most powerful people on the planet! You want to be successful? You want to be someone in the public eye that people stare at and devour? Be prepared to lose your dignity and everything that really matters to you. Look at Jenna Jameson… the adult industry’s beloved Jenna Jameson… She has had as much plastic surgery as Joan Rivers because she is shallow and insecure, she hates being tied to her twins (got that from an inside source), and she is cheap. She runs up tabs all over town and she threatens the establishment she abuses with bad press if they dare to try and tag her with the bill. This is what young girls want to be like? They want to be fake, star-chasing leches that don’t take responsibility for their actions? That is a sad goal, I have to say!
Don’t get me wrong, I respect Jenna as a female of the industry, but I don’t see her heart in anything she does. I am sick of her being called an author. She reiterated her story to an actual writer who put her story in written and sellable form. She can talk and hold her own, but her actions are just as tedious and insipid as any lowly “successful” person, and if that is what success is, I want no part of it.
I don’t think this industry needs anyone’s validation. The only validation one ever needs is their own. Whether you’re being “saved” by a failed whore, or you’re staring up the skirt of a “made” whore who’d just assume shit on you while your down there, what counts is what you have beating under your breast plate. If you don’t have a heart, you have nothing! I would like to see an industry that does not chase approval, but instead takes inventory of it’s own and weeds out the lowlifes and rewards the people who really accomplish something. Our industry is no better than the mainstream industry if we only exalt the glitter and falsity of flash and power. We get no respect whatsoever because we are constantly trying to emulate losers! Porn gets some acknowledgment because it’s so widespread now, but that is an empty accomplishment if we don’t have some dignity and standards of our own to impart to the fake world we so wish to be apart of!
And so comes my heart’s unveiling… I don’t like to reveal too much, but it is Thanksgiving, and I know the Native American Indians gave all they had and got a knife in the chest for their effort. I don’t mind bearing it in the same way, I guess. I certainly have in other ways…
Peace of mind does not come without work. Calm of the mind does not happen without effort. You can’t sit around on your ass and expect an epiphany to save you. You must work at it! You have to know your own mind. Laziness does not pay off, in this regard. If you want to be happy in your life, in your mind, you have to think about what you are doing, you have to pay attention to yourself. It is a gift, but you have to work at it. Think for yourself. Start right now. Why not? Don’t hesitate to be your own person. You don’t need ridiculous people to look up to. You are important as you are, and no one needs to validate you, as you are. This life is just like anything else, it’s just a bump in the road. You, are forever, and you need to think that way. If our lives lasted for hundreds of years, the way we think and feel, we would be wise. How many times can a person go through the same damn thing before they realize all the tediousness in acting and reacting too harshly, and hurting people. If we lived for four hundred years, we wouldn’t care about the little things. We would care about the bigger and more important things… like love, and kindness, and setting a good example for each other and our children… and honesty. Above all things, honesty. That would mean more than all the temporary things that come and go so often and effortlessly in our silly, temporary little lives.
I’m being emotional, but I’m tired of reading redundant things about why we like social climbers and yet are mad at them for not mentioning the actual people who make a difference, blah, blah, blah! I appreciate you, and I hope you appreciate me, but more importantly, I hope you appreciate yourself, because I am not going to lose a wink of fucking sleep if you don’t appreciate me. I have all the self-esteem I need here. I am incredible whether you recognize it or not.
I am fine with the adult industry. I’d like to see a day when it is fine with itself. Happy Fucking Thanksgiving.
Then the morning comes…
If I can stop laughing, I can start writing…
First of all, thanks to those who responded to my extremely raw post, minus the one person who goes by a false name. I’m actually going to critique this post because I wrote it while I was drinking last night, and while it’s punk rock and I actually really I like it, I should clarify a few things.
Writing has been my medium of choice since I was thirteen. My writing will never be as raw as it was back then, or even as raw as it was five years ago, but that’s because I run most of the things I write through several filters, first. And I often write while I’m drinking, I just don’t usually hit the”publish” button. I hit “save” and then clean it up the next day. I’m not a huge proponent of drinking and writing, necessarily, but I drink and I also write, so they do collide from time-to-time. What can I say? I’m my father’s daughter and a Texas gal, and I don’t mind being a drinker or an asshole, though I do usually try not to take it out on others.
Obviously, this post is about me, and no one else, really. It’s about my feelings and convictions. The accusations are irresponsible, and I don’t have proof of any of it. And even if I had proof, I wouldn’t use it. I really don’t want to create waves as a way to get attention, I just have a lot of feeling and my thoughts didn’t seem that abrasive at the time. lol! And no, I don’t particularly like Miss Jameson, but I don’t know what she’s actually like because I don’t know her. I can guess most things are probably not far off the mark, and I can express that I hope they are off the mark, but facts are facts and those things should always be presented appropriately. I don’t like people who just bash other people, so that part is disappointing, even if it is true. I did mean to use her as my example, and that brings me to the next thing:
My personal responsibility as a writer has always been to never let the subterfuge of details and examples override the core point. I can usually gloss over the details enough so that they aren’t what the reader trips over. The point is an easy and comprehensive ride to speak my heart through words, not to let it get lost in the sea of details, and not to be a hypocrit going on and on about integrity while I name-call. I don’t think our industry should care so much to attain success in the mainstream world when so many of it’s successful people seem to be questionable. Not all are questionable, but I’ve met so many douche bags that people want to be like just because they have money, or some notoriety. And it’s like Jenna is above criticism just because our delicate little world is so easily pricked by the outsiders that when one person succeeds, no matter how awful they may actually be as a person, we feel we have to root for them, anyway. No, you don’t know someone just because you’ve seen them on television. Be your own role model, or find someone real that you know to look up to.
I was actually trying to say something positive in my own unfiltered way, but I woke up this morning and my eyes just about popped out of my head when I remembered what I’d written. My thought process went something like, ‘Lydia!! You bitch! What is wrong with you?? You are funny, though…’ I’m still giggling about it because it’s so damn obnoxious, but it is everything I meant to get across, just with a lot of extra passion I would not have normally expressed, which sort of makes me sad to say, actually… Hmm… Anyway, not every successful person is a user and abuser. I know successful people who are good and kind, but goodness and kindness is usually it’s own reward. It’s usually not rewarded by others. Try breaking up a fight between a husband and wife when he’s being abusive to her. She’s usually the one that bites first.
I’d like to find a way to write more passionately, the way that I do when I’m drinking. I’m so honest in that state and usually get a kick out of what comes out. The last time I d-n-w’ed I deleted it the very next morning. I still regret having deleted it because it was so interesting! Writing has always been my primary means for self-exploration, so maybe I should play with the filtered/unfiltered writing styles in the future, though probably not on Mike’s time.
I like raw writing, but I also like to make real points that bring people together, not push them apart. I always learn something new about myself when I write, so I’ll take this as a productive lesson and interesting look at myself. Who I turn into when I’m drinking is like living with an evil twin. “Happy Fucking Thanksgiving”???
