I created a flash banner (happy dancing!)…
Filed under: Adventure, Art, Cartoon Picture, News, Video
I am doing the happy dance! It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be to create a flash banner. What’s hard is navigating the LongTail Video website. I bought the license months ago and just found a link to take me to downloading a licensed version player. Sheesh!
Anyway, the banner doesn’t fit in the header because I have to tweek the images already there, but I did it! I am finding html, css and php to be fun and am ready to get lost in it. The banner is thrown toegther abit, but I had to dive in and figure it out. I love it!!!
I won’t be around most of the day, so I’ll give my humble ‘Oh you’re too kind,’ and ‘Oh, really? A Genius? You shouldn’t,’ thank you’s in advance. (lol)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DOUG!!!
Happy Birthday, my darling! I love you!!!
Sommelier vs. Drunk
Filed under: Advice, Cartoon Picture, Comedy, Letters, Opinion Piece, Sex Worker Rights
I received an email from a pen pal about the theory that sommeliers (or oenophiles, as I like to say), are really just drunks. I almost agreed completely because it’s true, but there is a difference, and I had this to say:
A courtesan is simply, a hooker. But not just a hooker, a cultured hooker. An oenophile or sommelier is simply, a drunk. But not just a drunk, a cultured drunk. A true drunk will drink anything to achieve drunkdom. A true drunk will buy Miller Light (or is it “Lite”?) or Two Buck Chuck to achieve their alcoholic high, but I refuse to drink anything not made with taste in mind. Anyone can stand on a corner, but a courtesan is present in the moment and cares more for the taste of it than just doing the deed. If Miller Light or rancid alcohol were all that were available, I’d quit. That’s the difference. I’m a drunk, but I’m also a concentrated snob about it. Similarly, if it weren’t for the expensive hotels and exorbitant amount of pay involved in being a “hooker”, I wouldn’t have done that, but because of the difference, I was an escort — actually, a high-paid escort. No difference really to anyone who doesn’t know, but lightyears difference to those who do. Alpina Singh knows the difference, however subtle.
Actually, good wine is transformative. I buy Chateau St. Michelle all the time, but each bottle has it’s own personality and it’s own reaction to the elements whilst it ages in its particular glass enclosure. Once I bought a bottle that was perfect. Usually the wine is a bit briny; young and bitter — which I like, but a perfectly aged wine has smooth edges. Whatever the travails and moment-to-moment situation for this bottle, it had aged perfectly. Cheaper wines are made to drink fairly soon after bottling, while others are made to be stored for years at a time — usually the darker bitterer wines like Cabs, Merlot, etc… Mainly Cabs. This bottle was sublime. A smooth, perfect combination of alcohol, fruit and tannins. Sooooo good. Ten bucks can get you sucked off in a dark alley, but a thousand-dollar evening with a goddess can restore your faith in the divine!
I’m Not Dying… lol
Filed under: Cartoon Picture, Drunken Tangent, www.MikeSouth.com
I wrote this on Mike’s Blog some weeks ago, but it was so depressing that I deleted it and wrote a happier post the next day. lol I had just tried out a new job and quit and was feeling a bit down on myself for feeling stuck. Happiness vs. Sucking It Up And Taking It, just like the last job. I’m only just now beginning to pull myself out of that haze. Funky!
Well, I am dying – incrementally like everyone else – but I’m not going to kill myself and I sincerely apologize for my drama queen post last week. Fuck it. Sometimes we deserve to just be pissed about life, man! A friend of mine sent me a slew of Bukowski quotes today, and while I remember having read them in the past (I’m sorry, but I can’t ever consider you a serious writer unless you have at least read something by Buk, and more importantly, understand it - especially the incredible poetry), I don’t retain quotes so it’s nice to have them pointed out, again. Good stuff. The poor guy just wanted to be alone and not have to play the same games most people play, but I like laughing and finding things funny, I just don’t like feeling like a loser because I don’t want to kill myself making someone else a ton of money while I cripple my hands for them over a keyboard, while I waste four hundred and eighty hours of my precious life just commuting to their office every year so I can spend another one thousand nine hundred and twenty hours sitting in their bought or rented real estate while they stand over me and make me feel like a piece of shit for not being better, or congratulating me while they promise the stars and never deliver. That’s not to say there aren’t good people out there who don’t take care of their own, but I don’t want to be my Mom and Dad, not ever. They kill themselves for just a little piece of something good they can call their own. Forgive me if I’d rather not die killing myself for that. Forgive me if I’d rather not die killing myself for someone else’s idea of glorified mediocrity. And that is not to disrespect them or the lives they’ve led, it is, in fact, in respect to them because they would agree with my assertion wholeheartedly.
I know people think porn isn’t art, but it took a friend’s email to remind me that art does have a definition. We’ve seen the male and female talent deliver spoon-fed lines because they couldn’t be bothered to memorize the script the week, or night, or day of the shoot. Who’s going to fire them for not knowing their dialogue? No one, especially knowing they’ll just be hiring and then waiting for someone else to show up who knows and cares as much or less about the same group of words. Only the crew really suffers since they break their backs for days in a row to make a measly pay for their expertise at setting up lights and anticipating what the director will want before he or she steps onto the set and yells at them for not doing something. I knew a woman who chronically showed up hours late to set and yelled at people for not working. And it wasn’t that she didn’t work, it’s just that her work was multitasking and getting paid a very pretty penny to do so. It never occurred to her to do anything on time so that people on set wouldn’t get bored and restless and meander about waiting for direction since they can’t shoot the fucking movie without a director. Ugh…
Anyway, my friend sent an email and reminded me what art really is. “Real art needs life experiences to be valid. Academic theory is interesting and important but pales in comparison to life experience. We are made in experience.” How can we say what is art and what is not until we look at it deeply?
I know that porn doesn’t seem like art, but how much of corporate mainstream moneymaking is art? Really? Do you really think someone crying on a reality show wasn’t prompted to cry by the background workings of the executives and someone yelling at them that there isn’t enough fucking drama going on? There is no “art” in that. Planned train wrecks? No. That is shallow scheming, and it’s worse than porn, because at least porn people know they’re going to get fucked once they arrive and work on the set. Until recently, a lot of “regular” people did not know that. Another friend wrote about the joke that is American Idol. “None of the artists I love that are true artists and are truly talented would stand a chance on that show!” It’s true. It reminds me of that Robert Redford-directed movie Game Show. It’s all staged. Porn may be one of the last honest businesses there is, except for the pieces of shit who trick women into doing things on camera that they don’t want to do. Women show up in droves to have sex on camera, and I think you are the scum of the fucking earth if you take a happy and willing male or female and warp their will because you need a certain kind of product and risk breaking them to get something you could easily get from someone else except that you’re so twisted and fucked up that you need the challenge of pushing someone’s boundaries when they are not comfortable doing something. I had to sit for hours at a job and watch filthy fucking people push young girls right to the edge of their mental well-being, slapping them, humiliating them, beating them up just to cater to some fucked up group of people out in the world that I don’t understand… yet sympathize with. Why else would I counsel trolls on my own site? Why would I counsel anyone except that I’ve seen it, too, and I really sympathize and want them to ask the important questions and help them get past that broken mentality. The broken bullshit mentality of the cruel people I’ve met – the ex-lover and a pimp/hooker that would trade a “friend” to the devil for just a few bucks.
I have worked for greedy fucking people who only care about the bottom line, and to quote Jeff Bridges’ character in Crazy Heart, “If they knew their sisters were turning five dollar tricks, they’d overbook them.” What can I do? It pains me. It turns my stomach. And not just that I witnessed these things but that I didn’t say anything. At this point I’d be willing to interview any twisted person in the industry just to look into their eyes and see if they actually have a soul. Just to ask them, “Why? When there are willing and able babes out there who will gladly do any manner of thing and enjoy it, why do you have to find the sweetest people and turn them around? Why is it necessary and how do you sleep at night?” The greatest scum bags always say the same thing, “I don’t lie. I tell them exactly what’s going to happen.” Bullshit! It’s all a matter of perspective. Maybe you don’t “lie”, but you do deceive. It’s reverse psychology. It’s subtle, but it is definitely deceptive. “It won’t get any worse than this,” followed by viewing a bit of some similar video. Say it as soothing as possible and then the scene comes and the girl is crying. She didn’t have to, but you didn’t have to, either. Interesting how scum bags absolve themselves of blame after they facilitate someone else’s ruin just to make some money. Just to make money!
I have been lucky to meet ten or fifteen people in porn who are good people, and I have been lucky to meet a hundred people in my entire life that are good people, or were, at some point. I posted a button taking donations to continue paying my bills, but honestly, I’d be more than happy to hold a sign and stand out on the street and get an actual look at someone’s soul as they walk by and know whether or not I really want to continue being here. Are we born with souls or do we earn it? Well, I know this much, you’re not living until you have one, and if you don’t have one, yet, lose everything and get one, because nothing matters and everything is shit without it.
I don’t want to die in a bottle, but I don’t want to die without my soul, either, and that is much more important than the former.
Aaaaaand…. pass out!
Lydia!! Put the wine down and back away!! lol
The Best Whore You Can Be!
I wrote this sometime last year and accidentally posted it yesterday while cleaning up the “Categories” on the site, so this will be the first “RETRO DRUNKEN TANGENT” in what could be a long line of Retro Drunken Tangents. Oh my… And for what the end of these things look like, I’ve provided an illustration. 
Oh, the writing life! How to be honest and open, simple and profound and opinionated without being too preachy, and on and on… For all the negative things I can say about one person I can say just as many, if not more, about myself, but I am certain of this – we are all whores on some level. We have all done unsavory things for our own reasons, at some cost, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. It’s life. Being an actual whore was nothing next to other compromises I’ve made in my life, but it’s all just lessons, and then how we interpret the things that happen to us and redefine them through who we become. It’s all experience, and experience is good.
I love the word “whore”. And I love whores, because my “saints” will always be “sinners” – people who know what they know because they’ve been in the trenches and know firsthand exactly what something looks like, feels like, tastes like, etc… I think whores have a lot to offer the world if we can get past our fear of them and of sex and who we are as sexual creatures. There are whores I don’t like, but that’s to be expected. All I can offer today’s whore are a few tips on how to be the best whore you can possibly be.
Always work on your heart. We know you have to harden it a little, but don’t let your core get spoiled because people pay you compliments and put you on a pedestal and give you things. You are not making direct advancements in science (that I know of), nor are you making medical breakthroughs or overcoming incredible political odds to ensure that entire nations can live free and prosper because you have spent sleepless hours scheming and promulgating the right course of action against your political adversaries. Please don’t act like the entire world continues to spin only because you wake up in gossamer robes and take a big freakin’ gulp of air into your precious little princess lungs. (That is directed at men and women, by the way.)
Ava Vincent was someone I knew, back in the day, who acted like the sun rose and set with her. She could be different today, I don’t know, although I do hope so, but she acted rudely and I couldn’t figure it out. I am a huge proponent of sex workers, but I think everyone should be called on their shit from time-to-time. Goodness knows I need it constantly! Doug does it so well, too.
She walked up to me on the set of… a Nic Cramer shoot, can’t remember the picture name, but I was only a few months into having my full C-cup breasts, and she said, “So, how many people hate your boobs?” with that weird semi-cross-eyed look she has because her eyes don’t line up with direct focus, like they’re slightly repelled by each other. I’m not sure what I said, I do know I expected her weird behavior by then and didn’t flinch. I probably said, “One.” I’m honest. I did, though, get to really freak her out one day on set. I knew she’d be taken aback by the most unlikely response in a person, so just to get her goat, as I was approaching her on the Sin City set, “Watchers”, I waited until she centered me in that weird reptilian stare she has and said, in the most obnoxious and overly perky voice I could muster at 8am, “WHAT’S UP BEAUTIFUL!?” Ha! I thought she was going to fall over backwards. It was the funniest damn thing, and it made my fucking day.
The point is, it doesn’t matter if you are a natural asshole, which can be an endearing quality to the handful of people who tolerate you, always work on yourself and practice humility. There is nothing worse than an uppity whore. Sometimes I wanted to stop her and say, “Um… don’t you gurgle cum for a living? What exactly is your problem?” Try to treat people well. And fight for your soul, no matter what. You will, like everyone, experience difficult times, but try to remember the people who help you, and when your clarity returns after moments of darkness, try to go back and apologize to the people you may have hurt. It heals you and it heals that person, who is just an extension of you, anyway. We are never that different form each other. The power of, “I apolgize,” and “I’m sorry,” is incredible. Even if you shouldn’t be the one to apologize, I bet you can find a reason and it will, more than likely, unleash the floods of apology in the other person. Then slap ‘em and say, “I just said that so you’d apologize!” j/k
I picked on Jenna Jameson last week, and I’d love to apologize for that, but I can’t because I’m about to pick on her again.
She makes for a great example of how not to be when you get some success in this industry. Listen, reach for the things you want, but try to handle it with some tact and diplomacy. I am waiting for the day when someone replaces her as the female voice of porn because even though I’m sure she still gets some residual checks, she is not the great figurehead, anymore. Ron Jeremy is, Nina Hartley… Jenna does some harsh things that are not becoming of a woman who should be grateful to her fans and the industry that made her.
Some people follow her tweets and talk about her shows, so if any of this is untrue, someone tell me.
1) The industry blogs follow industry people’s tweets pretty closely, so when they do their copy and paste I would say it’s fair to say they are following the right person with exactly what they’re saying and what they mean when they say it. One tweet has Jenna saying something adverse about a woman who has said angry things about her, but her comment is interesting. Her comment states that she feels sorry for people who are still performing at the age of forty-five, and that she has moved on. Why feel sorry for someone who is performing at the age of forty-five? Is this suggestive that a forty-five-year-old is forced to perform at their “advanced” age and is somehow pathetic for that reason? Hmm… If so, that is not only a rude assumption, it is insensitive and, honestly, only something an ignorant cunt would say. I have a streak of fair and unfair in me, and I can say that if you think you aren’t still a whore even after you’ve “moved on”, you have forgotten how you got where you are. I’d say that’s a pretty shitty way to be.
2) There is also the information that she shares more than a few funny quips back and forth on the Howard Stern Show. Did she actually say that David Navarro has a small penis? Is this somehow useful information? I know the Howard Stern Show is about bashing people and making them feel bad, and I’m not a David Navarro fan, per se, but I can’t stand people who exchange particulars about their in-bed antics with celebrities. Who cares!? How low do you have to be to share on a live broadcast that someone has a small penis? My first guess would be that that person hurt you and you are extracting revenge. And what if the guy actually does have a small penis? What a cunt you would have to be to say that. Unless, of course, everyone listening is taking into account that you could have the largest vagina known to man and wouldn’t know what a small penis actually is because of how much is needed to fill your gaping hole.
You do not have to be mean to people just because you have an audience and you think that’s the only way to entertain. Not true. Of course, Hitler had an audience, so to the audiences out there, be careful who you actually pay attention to, whether you like seeing them have sex or not. Just because they can make a buck and also look good when they’re getting fucked does not mean you shouldn’t close your ears when their mouths open to opinion. I’m just sayin’…
Practice humility, don’t take yourself too seriously, and watch out for people who promise you the stars. Mainstream people might say they can do things for you, but be cynical. Some cynicism is healthy. Most of those people just want to have sex with you, so play hardball, but if you get opportunities that are substantial, take it! It’s not the success that’s bad, it’s how you get it and handle it. You are wonderful just the way you are, and you are a star in your own right and you should remember that. People may try to harass you and call you names, but they would, anyway! Life will always be a little bit like High School, because most people never grow up, that’s just the way it is. Develop a sense of humor, work on your personal philosophies and try not to shit on people on your way to the top. It’s not complicated, really. The only thing that ever gets complicated is you.
No one has to listen to me. My life is best spent questioning the world around me. I love it when people question me because it forces me to dig deeper. I don’t care if no one cares what I have to say, but I’m happy to say it, anyway. What’s the point in having a voice if you don’t use it? Oh! And don’t be afraid to ask questions and also respond to questions with, “I don’t know.” It’s the best kind of answer because you can only say it when you truly don’t know. It feels good to say it, too. “I don’t know.” No one cares if you are dumb, not if you are actually interested in learning. My friend was asking about the PS3 video console and I said, “What the fuck is a PS3 video console? It’s a console for video games? What the fuck does that meant?” He laughed hard, but I was serious. I have a console in my car. A center console. I put dumb things in it. He was quoting $300 for a “console”! I found out that it is the actual game unit. It’s the actual electronic device you insert the games into, but I didn’t know. Whether you’re young or old, you don’t know everything, so ask questions! If you’re genuinely curious, someone will indulge you in the answer. People liked to be asked questions, anyway. In fact, a good way to ask a questions is, “I know I should probably know this, but look at me, why would I know…” and then proceed with your question. I get a good hard laugh when I preface my questions in this way. Well, come on! We are whores for a reason.
… followed by…
Oh my…
I Lost My Blog and other news…
I lost my blog this week and started a temporary replacement blog. Since I am told these glitch episodes happen with WordPress I think I’ll keep it on standby for awhile. 
“Jaded and Other Gems” is still scrambled and weird, but I’m patiently waiting for its recovery.
Monica Foster’s blog mentions the interviews on Mike’s site as well as the dinner we enjoyed last week – dated April 7 & 9, 2010. I actually cooked a decent meal. I was very surprised, as was Doug. I was inspired, I guess. We will be visiting her home tomorrow for dinner, so I am very much looking forward to that. She mentioned the interviews on www.GettingOutofPorn.com, as well. I’m glad that this documentary has brought me closer to people I would never have met. Being able to bond with women like me has been a great experience and I like knowing what women like myself think about things. I love a woman’s thoughts, in her own words and not someone else’s, because a woman’s voice is distinct. Maybe it’s easy for me to uncover information and understand, not just because I’m a woman, but because I have no ulterior motive other than compassion and curiosity. Monica is someone I would like to know for a very long time.
Because we are getting so much good footage in the interviews, Jonathan Appel suggested we make episodes for the internet (webisodes, though I am finding it very difficult to use that word without feeling like a cartoon character), so we are scheduling interviews without the intention of a second day for following the model around. Hopefully, we can get Nicki Hunter and others to let us shoot Q & A segments. And since these will be strictly for the web and just interviews, we can shoot them in a static manner and more professional looking in the vein of an actual sit-down interview without any movement from the cameras whatsoever. I don’t know about you but it makes me want to do a happy dance!
Anyway, we’ve actually shot most of the documentary now, so we should only need to capture a few more people. Awesome!
Subscribe to the RSS feed to get automatic updates. Who knows, I may be e-mailing you one day asking you to please forward all my posts to me the next time the blog goes down. Why can’t I remember to save my writing??
Year of the Tiger
Filed under: Advice, Art, Cartoon Picture, Jonathan Appel, Opinion Piece
Happy New Year! I missed it by two days, but it’s never too late to give a shout-out to the tiger babies!
I’m a tiger baby. So is my friend, Jonathan Appel and a few others, and since our year has finally come around again (it only takes twelve years – sheesh!), here’s our forecast for the year…
IT’S YOUR YEAR! So, shut up and get to work… Well, that’s what I say, but let’s see what Suzanne White has to say about it:
“TIGER 2010, The METAL Tiger Year : After a couple of slow, but not disastrous years, you will take wing and soar over all you survey. I have mentioned several times that Oxen often become dictators. But curious as it may seem, so do Tigers. The style is different. But the aim is the same. Tigers like to imagine themselves the saviours of a people for a cause (Ho Chi Min, Ayatollah Khomeini, Castro) whereas Oxen might just take over because they want to take over. (Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein, Napoleon). So this is your year to rule. You will no doubt adore the power, but you probably will not abuse it as you will be using your superior position to further an ideal – something you are proud of and wish to impart to others. If, however, you let the notion of power for its own sake take over, you will have a dreadful Tiger year. Do also remember that this year you must plan the next 12 years of your existence. Don’t let the months slip by without sitting down with yourself somewhere quiet (countryside, retreat, mountain top etc.) and thinking hard about where you want to be in 12 years. Then decide how you want and need to behave in order to reach that goal. A dozen years may seem like a long time. But life is shorter than we think and those who plan well ahead and stick to their timetables are those who live longest happiest.”
Suzanne White is my favorite “Chinese Astrologer”, and I think she’s on the money. It’s our year. We may be impulsive, slightly egocentric and wily, but we’re sweet, generous, good fun and full of energy… after really long naps. It’s out year, so let’s really enjoy it and also make it important!
Also, I tend to really like and enjoy Roger Ebert’s insights. He’s usually right and he is eloquent, but I read recently, on one of his regular writing sites, probably his blog, that he doesn’t understand why it’s not okay to broach the subject of religion at a party but it’s okay for the hostess to spout off general “truths” about astrology, and I would like to offer a reasonable explanation for that.
The scientific notion that energy effects other energy is reasonable. A large planetary object spinning in our spacial vicinity, and the idea that we are effected by said body is not far-fetched at all. We know for a fact that the moon effects the tides, which in turn effects the water in our own bodies. We are effected by other objects around us. If a crazy screaming child is standing next to me, it definitely effects me. If the same child is two blocks away, the child doesn’t immediately effect me, but that doesn’t mean the effects aren’t just slightly more obscure. Religious “truths” about walking on water and fourteen virgins if you commit suicide and a big white nirvana with The Guy in The Sky and golden sidewalks and immaculate conception and evil homosexuals and “special underwear” is not rational, no matter how you slice it. At least astrology is a study of actual people with pinpoint-able behaviors in relation to energy at the time they physically and actually appeared in the world. Science vs. Mumbo Jumbo. No confusion about that here. Just sayin’…
Writing For Mike South
Filed under: Art, Cartoon Picture, News, www.MikeSouth.com
I am happy to report that I will have a weekly spot on MikeSouth.com. He has a well-established site, knows what’s what and can help me expand
my readership. If I can entertain his existing readers and provide him some new ones, it’s a win-win situation.
My first original post goes up on July 23, 2009 at 11am. I will still post here, but anything I write for Mike will stay on his site for a week before I post it, so I’ll write about other things here… if I’m not still busy shooting and editing. It’s so much fun, though! But it’s taking away from my writing time. I’ll get back to it, I swear! *evil maniacal laughter ensues*
Agnosticism and “The Six Suggestions”
Filed under: Art, Cartoon Picture, Comedy, Opinion Piece
I suppose that someone who keeps a shrine to the Pillsbury Dough Boy in their basement can live a wonderful and full life, free from anger, prejudice greed and other corrupt things without ever telling anyone. Certainly it is possible to lead a contented life without ever once divulging such information – the origin of one’s contentment. My friend, DK, mentioned once that when he would get on a fitness kick, or some other seemingly life-altering kick, that he would get preachy and tell people, “Now, you should be going to the gym and eating right and…,” blah, blah, blah. It’s not to say that he might not have been correct in his assessments, but he did learn that it is very damned annoying! It’s a natural thing to be excited about something, and it’s natural to want to share it, but you must ask yourself one question after your wiles have begun to run away from you: Are you sharing it because you care about the people around you, or because of your need to share it? You can care about someone around you and still care more for your own need to jump on a soapbox and get preachy. If a person doesn’t ask a question inviting your revelation, maybe it is not a good idea to push it on them. Maybe?? It’s just a thought…
I feel like I’m losing family and friends to the “Lord” religions. I keep seeing posted things like, ‘Thank you, Lord, for giving me…,’ and then they go into a list of things that they have. And then a thought happens in my mind… “Um, maybe you should be thanking your husband?? I don’t know… maybe since (after all), he is the reason you have these wonderful things??!! And not some thousands-of-year-old-and-dead GUY YOU NEVER MET!!!???” I get it. I mean, I understand it. Everyone has a spirit and therefore needs the philosophies that map out roads for their spirituality, and in this country and every other, the packaged modes for spiritual expression are easy because one need not do anything but recite was is told to them. There is no need to think at all! Awesome!! Open your mind and you are spoon-fed the strangest most mythical and unbelievable amounts of horse manure you will ever encounter in your life from almost every popular organized religion ever created!!! Cewl!!!
Also, people like communal environments where they can hang out with people who share similar interests. Still, I can’t rationalize setting my brain aside in order to commune with people about a spirituality that I know is not contained in a finite place, but is ,instead, constantly changing. If my life were one snapshot of a moment in time, I could see laying down one page of text to explain it, but it is in motion and does not stop, does not rewind, only moves forward and will change yet again, when the so-called end comes! How do you translate that into a two dimensional world? It seems perverted to try.
But I’m going to!
Lydia’s Agnostic Feelings Forum (L.A.F.F.)
and The Six Suggestions (as opposed to the Ten Commandments)
- Murder is something you should really try not to do – if you can help it. We do have to eat, defend loved ones and pick off idiots from time to time (even whilst we are pretending to defend loved ones), but try not to resort to that, again,.. if you help it!
- Do not go on and on about how insanely happy you are unless you preface it with, “I am taking a mood elevator!” or “I’m drunk!” No one needs to know how insanely happy you are unless you can tell them the WHOLE story. If you are still intent on sharing your insane happiness…
- …Share Your Drugs! Because we want to be that happy, too, asshole!
- Do not go on and on about your god or beliefs unless you are going to talk about how you know what it is you worship and who you worship and why. If you point at a book as an explanation you are probably going to get picked off for being an idiot. Be prepared to be intelligent and explain things sensibly. If you hear voices, again, if no one esle can hear them, maybe we don’t need to know that you do!
- Please wear clothes that fit you. Oh my…good…badness. Oh my me-ness. I like it. OMM! Plumber’s crack is for plumbers, that’s why it’s called “plumber’s crack” and not “random-inappropriately-dressed-boy/girl-on the-street crack”. Although, I like it.
- Use your damn turn signal! That is what the turn signal is for! Did you take a driving test?? And why are people who drive Hondas the only people pissing me off lately?? Oh, it must be because I am driving around in The Valley!!!
Well, that is my attempt at some rules for my agnostic belief (or lack of belief), system. Of course, they will all be different by tomorrow…
Ask Jaded: Shame On Slut-Shaming!
“Dear Jaded,
My psychology teacher, who is really lame by the way, told our class that girls, in an effort to save their virginity, are having anal sex. She then pretended to be a woman on her wedding night telling her new husband that, while she is a virgin, her butthole is ‘torn up’. Yes, she used the words ‘torn up’. My boyfriend laughed when he heard this, saying that he has been with guys whose asshole was tore up. But, if you’re not doing anything extreme, your butthole should be just fine, right? I have regular anal sex, what’s happening to my butthole? I appreciate your answer in advance!
Love, a true fan with an intact butthole”
Dear ‘Intact Butthole’,
Cograts on having an intact butthole! Your psychology teacher, huh? Well, that is truly fascinating. Let me guess, she probably wears one lone, awkwardly placed, paint-chipped barrette in her hair that serves no other purpose than to make her appear weirder than she already does? My condolences on having to endure her warped perspective on relationships, women, sex and buttholes.
I have been giving this topic some thought lately and I am going to tear into a tangent that I make no apologies for. Before I go on, though, I would like to quote Doug when I reiterated to him what this woman said. “What? Not a virgin? Whatever! If you take a cock in your ass you’re not a virgin, but you are a hot commodity!” Spoken directly from the great Yogi Doug, himself. Nicely put, my wise one!
After anger and sadness and thoughts of mass destruction subside, based on the cruelty so easily spewed by people who understand a very small scope of the human spectrum, I find it is impossible to be too hard on women who bash other women because of their sexual conduct, and who, ultimately, engage in ‘slut-shaming’. The fact is, we are a collection of experiences that have been poured into us from the moment we enter this limited world. This woman’s view of the world is our window to view what’s in her, and not, necessarily, truths about others. She is one of many women who has been abused, mentally rewired and so programmed in her perspective of other women that she alienates herself from a group of people who, like her, are also just the byproduct of their environment.
I read a story on Jezebel one day about strippers, and a comment by one woman read, “Well, I just feel sorry for them.” It struck me as funny because it made me instantly feel sorry for her! Really? You feel sorry for all strippers, not for individual women on a case-by-case basis because you know details about their actual lives? Just general pity, huh? And why do you feel pity? What women fail to understand about women who control their sexuality and use it is that they hardly ever need one’s pity. Not only are they usually attractive because of how they wear their sexuality (and because of this are usually intimidating as hell), but they are often rich, too, and can get through any door they wish with just a smile! Her pity is misplaced, because pity should be reserved for people with actual problems. Beauty and independence is a gift, and like most people with gifts, only a few actually know they have it, so if you need to feel pity, feel it because they don’t know they have a gift that fades and wears out. If you are self-possessed and compassionate, you admire the gifts in others, and are happy for them and their successes. Forgive me for saying so, but a woman with a killer physique who thinks like a man is probably the hottest creature on the planet! When you hear men say, “If I was a woman, you know what I’d do?” Well, honey, they do!
My pity is for the gross stereotypes and expectations society puts on us to look a certain way and have a certain amount of money in order to attain happiness. Behind every ad is some miserable and wrinkled old man with money stashed all over the place. I don’t feel sorry for him, either, and for the same reasons I don’t feel sorry for the hot slut, but I do feel bad for women who feel inadequate and feel they must put other women down in order to feel good about themselves. We should be making each other feel good about who we are – we should be trying to turn on each other’s lights to illuminate the darkness so we’re not groping for answers and settling for bullshit. That psychology teacher has not once ever gotten the love she deserves and that!, is a crime! She is a victim, but she is also an adult and should own her own mind and does not. She’s like religious people who accept a ranting old man who tells them that “god” is a man in the sky and “he” can heal your ills. God is you and me. We are light and we have the power to heal ourselves and each other! We should be worshipping the people in front of us that we can see and feel, because we are infinite and capable and we act like fucking automatons and not the miracles we all are. That woman is sublime and she doesn’t know it. So, what does she do? She spills the same dirt that’s been poured into her. She has made herself poison, and she will forever blame everyone else for it until she lies on her deathbed. I hope not, but that is, unfortunately, and usually, the case.
A slut is a woman raised with an extreme emphasis on sex. So what? Big deal! This is a reality every day for women the world over. Does that mean we have to shit on our women further because they are living their lives based on the the way they were raised? What do you expect a woman to do when sex seems to be the most important thing anyone emphasizes to her when they are around her? How many women are not unlike men who are victims of sex crimes, and instead of crying about it and becoming closed off, turn into sexual powerhouses? Owning their sexuality by wearing it, packaging it and selling it? I know many men who have had sex forced on them by older men and women, and they are often shit on, too, but with women, from other women, the ridicule and hate comes from an especially sinister and cruel place. Why this wicked elitism? Is it because they become strippers? Because they whore themselves to the public? Um…what would you rather they do? They’re just as dumb as you are! How were you raised? Christian? Muslim? Racist? Arrogant? Rich? Poor? How far have you broken from the boundaries you were raised within? Before you answer that, really think about it. How different are you really from your upbringing? Hey, unless you are of the very small percent, you are just like the people who raised you, maybe only slightly different. We seldom travel out of the sphere of our realities. Very few people do that. What is really wrong with that woman? I’ll tell you. The only thing wrong with her, is you.
I had an uncle ogle me in church. He was drunk, in church (for goddess’ sake), and staring at me the way a starving man would stare at a beef sandwich – in the craziest predatory way. You don’t have to be a walking, talking sex organ to know what someone means when they look at you that way. No one had ever looked at me that way before, that I knew of. I was thirteen.
Was any of that my fault? Did I instigate this response by wearing a dress? No. My mother bought me that dress and the society I come from deems it acceptable, and quite appropriate, that I wear a dress, why? Because I have a vagina. I don’t think it’s appropriate, but that’s me. Dresses aren’t practical at all. You can’t run very well in them, or in heels for that matter! Maybe I received this leer because I am what my society considers to be physically attractive. I did shower. The society I come from deems it appropriate, even preferable, to bathe and be physically clean. Maybe it was because I had long hair that was clean and brushed. My society calls that “being well-groomed”. Is that my fault? No. My mother liked me with long hair and she liked brushing it and making it pretty. I didn’t particularly like having long hair, so at the age of eleven I insisted that it be chopped off. I had a “boys” haircut – short all over. Within a week a boy picked a fight with me. He thought I was a boy and wanted to hurt me. Is that my fault? I guess so. I insisted on my hair being short, but I in no way instigated a fight with this person. I was minding my own business. Having short hair may have saved me, though. I would rather be beaten up, bruised and sore, than raped. I know it is said that rape is a crime of violence and not a “sex crime”, but it is very different to be hit across your face and stabbed in your private parts with the threat of pregnancy and/or disease. In fact, if it is really not different at all, then it shouldn’t have a different name. It does. You don’t say someone is “raped” because they’re slugged in the face. You say someone is raped when an orifice is violated by something hard and protruding. It’s a form of theft that incurs incredible pain. My heart goes out to all the women I know who have endured it and gone on to live their lives the best they know how!
The uncle showed up later that night for the second helping of Sunday church and was “saved”. I’m not sure what he was saved from, but it must have been me, because he never looked at me again – the final humiliation. No acknowledgment as a person. I was not a person, just a “thing”. A “temptation” by religious standards, and all I did was show up with my mother to attend church. The women you pity and laugh at on a stripper pole and pity and laugh at for having sex in front of a camera are “things” to you and everyone else. They don’t think about it because they are like you, and you don’t know you are not a machine and a tool. Or do you? Do you know you are not a punching bag, a trash receptacle, a pimp, a junkie, a lonely man, a spinster, a predator, a saint, or another word for whore – a “wife”? Or, deep down do you know you are more than the culmination of the experiences you have had? That you are divine and that there is something special and unrealized about you? Is it maybe possible these sluts know it, too, or maybe, they want to know it, too? Deserve, to know it, too?
When we bash each other we are bashing ourselves, because we are all a mirror reflection of each other, and we are sickened by what we see, but we don’t have to be. If we could embrace our own humanity with love and acceptance, we could transcend our weaknesses and be truly divine. There is nothing wrong with any of us. Not one of us. Just unrealized potential.
Um…oh! No, your butthole is not ‘torn up’, as long as you don’t masturbate with a spiked dildo and/or take it from a gorilla on a regular basis! Hey… She was assuming a woman who has anal sex will have a “torn up butthole” by the time she gets married… That’s presumptuous! Oh my! She’s assuming that a woman with a “torn up butthole” will want to get married! You can’t make this shit up…
