Kurt Lockwood at The Comedy Store – a review

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Kurt Lockwood is well-known as one of the bigger names in porn stardom. In fact, being a porn star–I would think–easily lends itself to comedy because it’s so utterly normal once you’ve actually been a performer on several sets. Forget what the “not for profit” alarmists tell you. Most porn sets are very light and fairly hysterical. (Randy Spears always had me in stitches!)

Kurt Lockwood with Mark MaronKurt Lockwood with Mark Maron

Imagine my delight to find such a guess absolutely correct when Mr. Lockwood took the stage this past Saturday night at The Comedy Store off Sunset Boulevard and killed it!!

Confident, cocky, crass… funny. His set is funny. And it seems he’s been killing it all over Los Angeles because I missed several shows before catching this one–and celebrating his birthday, no less!

Doug and I were very lucky, actually. A few days before Kurt’s show I said to Doug, “We’re seeing Kurt perform at The Comedy Store June 1st.” To which Doug responded, “We’re seeing Tony play at The House of Blues June 1st.” Huh? Hmm… Scratching our heads and wondering what to do, yet realizing that The Comedy Store and The House of Blues are literally across the street from each other, it seemed we might get to catch both shows. We raced out of TCS and into THoB’s Voodoo Lounge just as Tony Gamble was beginning his first song on the ukulele. What luck?? And we never go out anymore, so it was quite fortuitous.

Please, if you are going to take in a comedy act, go see Kurt Lockwood! Kurt affords us a much-needed laugh over a really sensitive and sorely misunderstood topic: Sex. I will not give away his set, I will just say that he jokes about being a performer, he has crazy stage presence and he performs with his guitar. Not that kind of performing. He plays with it. Oh, forget it. Just go see his show!


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Author: Julie Meadows

Francophile, oenophile, French Scrabble advocate and future zombie apocalypse survivor.

5 Comments

  1. ‘ … an eskimo at the north pole in a blizzard’ :) Thazz funny

    and i’m sure Tony Gamble and his ukulele was amazing. hope he’s feeling ok.

  2. ​ So when is Kurt Lockwood coming out with a stand up DVD for TRoU (The Rest of Us) who still live in One Horse-race Towns outside of LA LA can watch?

    Sex as a subject needs as much comedy as possible.

    Sex in mainstream media is often more the Butt of jokes, or in Sit-Coms they keep just throwing the word “Penis” out there and that is supposed to elicit laughs.

    But at least, unlike in George Carlin’s “Seven Dirty Words” day, we can now say “penis” on television without some Televangelist getting thousands of his followers to picket the Studios and it be shown on the local TV News, “Thousands of people marched on ABC studios today holding signs saying ‘We want no mention of our Willies in Prime Time’ as they made their children also march with them in the rain today.” This is probably because Christians suspect that because Jesus didn’t have a human father He didn’t have a Y chromosome and was born without a “Penis (not necessary for a martyr’s mission after all)” and so subconsciously they don’t like to say the nasty dirty word “penis.”

    I actually saw people making their children picket with them in the rain over 7-Eleven stores selling Playboy and Penthouse magazines while using the marketing phrase “Thank Heaven for 7-Eleven.” True story! I remember thinking at the time that Jesus must especially love people too stupid to get their children’s heads out of the rain.

    These people were followers of televangelist Jerry Falwell and 7-Eleven caved citing the Reagan Administration’s Meese Commission on Pornography. This is the same Attorney General Edwin Meese III who had to resign after it was shown by an Independent Council that Meese had complicity in the Wedtech Scandal to get Wedtech preferential minority-owned business no-bid U.S. Government manufacturing contracts when Wedtech had forged papers committing fraud because they were in fact not minority owned but owned by:

    “Fred Neuberger, Wedtech’s sex-obsessed president, later vice chairman, who often had Three Stooges-style fights with Mr. Mariotta during which they screamed, wrestled and threw coffee and furniture at each other. Typically, the two entrepreneurs argued about how much they should steal from their company and which bribed officials offered the biggest bang for the buck. Mr. Neuberger is serving a Federal prison term on fraud and conspiracy charges.”–The New York Times http://www.nytimes.com/1990/07/29/books/the-looting-of-wedtech.html?pagewanted=all&src=pm

    Maybe the Country could have saved millions of taxpayer dollars if both Ed Meese and Fred Neuberger had stayed shut in at home like a couple of smoking crack heads and developed their imaginary obsessive-compulsive disorder about masturbating 24/7 while watching pornography on their then VHS tape sets.

    So here’s a “sex-obsessed” corporate fraud running around with Reagan’s anti-pornography Attorney General.

    Did you know the only place I ever saw an actual photo of a human having sex with a dog was in an official U.S. Government Report On Pornography!!!

    So, yeah, there is plenty of room (plenty of need even) for well thought out stand up comedy about sex.

    We, the American People, still have way too much of the Victorian Morality insidiously inculcated into us from our childhood about all that “nasty” stuff about sex talk. They are not “screwing” they “slept together.” Did you know in Queen Vickie’s day it was “nasty” to say the word “leg” and you had to use the euphemism “limb” instead. Imagine a Men’s girlie magazine labeled “Limb Show!” being sold behind the counter at convenience store stop-and-robs.

    By the way, 7-Eleven’s refusal to sell Playboy and Penthouse was a boon for other convenience stores where people diverted their shopping pattern for buying gas for their vehicles. In 2003 Playboy was returned to being sold in most 7-Elevens. And I didn’t notice “Men’s” magazines disappearing from other convenience stores until around 1998 about the time Penthouse changed format to actual penetration sex images.

    Around here you can only find Playboy at actual Adult bookstores and most of the traditional “Men’s” magazines have gone out of business probably due to almost everything the Cyber Generation wants to read or look at now being on-line. And current plastic-wrapped Playboy’s feel like they are about 20 pages wide when you lift them up. I’d be surprised if the actual print Playboy magazine lasts very long past its January 2014, 60th Anniversary issue. Signs of the Times.

    Also, by the way, if I remember correctly the good Reverend Jerry Falwell only got his people to protest at 7-Eleven after he found out that both Playboy and Penthouse had published Investigative Journalism pieces on him, one reporting on one of Falwell’s owned properties had been found to have a landing strip being used by Drug Runner airplanes. Amen!

  3. That is a good question. I’ll have to ask him. :)

    None of that is surprising, of course.

  4. It’s not like Kurt and You don’t have friends with camera equipment. How hard would it be to make a Don’t Brake My Art DVD for sale through this web site (and others) with maybe even some personal messages from Nina et al about personal choices and freedoms subjects; a little music. Donate some proceeds to the cause…

  5. I just found this The Future Of Artificial Intelligence (Will Be Rated X) :

    http://www.cracked.com/video_18588_the-future-artificial-intelligence-will-be-rated-x.html

    I wonder if Japanese Brothel Robots smoke electronic cigarettes after sex?

    ————————————————————————

    Expanding a bit on the idea about a Kurt Lockwood, APC4C & StopCondomLaws.com benefit, promotional DVD.

    Kurt could always use the DVD to hand out as a Bio demo…and who knows, in a decade from now an early In His Career charity DVD might be as collectible as a George Carlin Super 8mm stand-up film is today.

    It’s not like finding an empty club (/music) stage at 9am is impossible to video a stand-up routine in front of a live audience filled with your friends (drinking hopefully).

    Since I haven’t seen Kurt work, I’ll just suppose he’s as good as you mentioned and if he can handle hecklers well thinking fast on his feet (something most stand-up comics are great at out of necessity from experience) than he should be able to tailor his material to particular things your individual speakers, like a Nina Hartley (I reference her because she is a name I recognize–sorry I don’t recognize some of these younger porn actresses after about 2002) have to talk about. I think I’d pick the best 5 speakers or so for the On The Couch guest spots about APC4C.

    I would start out like early Seinfeld TV stand-up with Kurt doing some warm up jokes specific to the main topic–like a short introductory set. Then chapter 2 go to someone like Nina (biggest names first) doing a polished presentation similar to your On The Couch pieces, and dressed to look as much as possible like the real next door neighbors they are to people and not at all like porn star cliches. Then next chapter back to Kurt for another set.

    This is where Kurt would come back in between each On The Couch presentations of facts & figures with jokes tailored to mirror the previous On The Couch piece, and then jokes that lead into the subject of the upcoming On The Couch guest.

    At the end I’d put on that demo: Section 5193 Porn Shoot at its finest!

    Then next time up in Sacramento give each “adult” member of the California Assembly a DVD of: Kurt Lockwood & Friends (What Ever Title you come up with for the APC4C & StopCondomLaws.com benefit promotional DVD), with Section 5193 Porn Shoot “Fun with Dick and Jane (which remind them also was a mainstream movie title; Twice, 1977 & 2005 distributed by Columbia Pictures of Culver City, California).” I’ve re-added my ideas on that, below, just as a refresher of ideas.
    Of course, right before I would make a presentation before the State Assembly I would ask them, by a show of hands, how many of them have ever watched a porn film before? Then after not all the hands go up, I’d state, for the written transcript of the Assembly Record, “Well, you can lie to me, but you can’t lie before the eyes of God,” and wink at all of them. Just to give them something to think about.
    Then pass out a DVD to each of them to review like an all grown up adult making their own decisions in the privacy of their own homes.
    They’ll pretty much have to watch it, because if they don’t they won’t have an idea what the other Assembly members know or have heard or will be thinking.
    —————————————————————–
    But then get everybody associated with APC4C to sell the DVDs from their web sites as benefit fund-raisers. According to what I read Michael Weinkenstien (or is that Wankenstien?) spent $1,654,681 funding propaganda for Measure B. I bet that didn’t come out of his pocket.
    This is America and anybody or any organization can sue anybody over any damn thing.
    Has anybody thought about going after Weinstien for making frivolous lawsuits. In 2010 how was AHF itself an “injured party” because the Los Angeles County Health Department did not police condom use in Adult Film Productions?
    The Health Department shouldn’t have had to come up with new unnecessary work-place regulations; AHF should have done what their nonprofit status declares they should be doing and have simply handed out fliers to adult movie actors giving them safe advice.
    Then let’s get out the Sports deaths statistics since 2004 from when only 4 porn actors tested positive for HIV. And also define the terms by the Atlanta U.S. Center For Disease Control for an “Outbreak ( a term used in epidemiology to describe an occurrence of disease greater than would otherwise be expected at a particular time and place ),” an “Epidemic,” and a “Pandemic.” A handful of people whom have sex together catching an STD of any kind is not an “outbreak.” It’s just an uncomfortable fact of life incident. An “outbreak” is when half the High School football team catches the clap after Spring Break.
    I haven’t looked them up for awhile, but every year we loose about 6 kids to High School football injury deaths. That would be about 66 deaths since 2004. Should the Health Department be sued to pass regulations only allowing High School “Flag” football? Let’s run that past parents wanting their kid to get a college football scholarship or a future lucrative Pro career contract.
    For example: Work-related roadway crashes are the leading cause of death from traumatic injuries for the U.S. workplace. They accounted for nearly 12,000 deaths between 1992 and 2000. Should work vehicles wear some sort of safety prophylactic?
    My understanding is that the majority of automobile deaths are due to head injury. Is some self-promoting Michael Weinstien out there lurking to sue the Health Department to pass automobile “Helmet Laws?”
    And then there are the real Economic numbers of the adult industry.
    When I bought my first Video Cassette Recorder in 1981, in Tustin, California (by the way), the Video Rental store owner told me what was paving the way for his video tape rental business was people renting Porn from the back room and people with money wanting hard to find stuff like video tapes of Opera. But he told me Porn rentals was what made it possible for him (back then as an independent) to buy to stock the shelves with Disney rental movies. There’s some economic facts to have someone research and mention.
    There were a couple of VHS tapes I once had on the “History of Porn” that showed that no sooner had the motion picture been invented than in America they were making silent explicit sex movies.
    The great thing about making a DVD is you can make more than one take On The Couch to make your presentations as polished as possible. The same with Kurt’s stand-up routine.
    But Facts are the kind of stuff I’d like to hear some of the DVD On The Couch guests bring up to educate the general person who might buy this “soon to be collectible” DVD and to make your points with the California Assembly.
    Heck I’d talk some of the Porn Distributors into adding (at their copying expense) the Educational DVD as a bonus “Freebie” to all Porn DVDs distributed and bought in California. Just put a stack behind the counter for clerks to drop one in a bag with every adult bookstore purchase. Make the DVDs that fans order through the APC4C member’s web sites come with an autographed picture and a personalized (form) letter for there donation efforts. The DVD can also have “spots” that ask for Donations.
    Just a little Fear & Loathing with Jerks not minding their own business idea bouncing around in my ol’ Brain-housing-group.
    Again, where is the actual “injury” to AHF over use or not of condoms? Somebody should look into getting their nonprofit status pulled for waisting donated tax exempt funds on frivolous lawsuits. Fight fire with fire!
    I think the Porn Distributors should sue him/them. The Adult Industry Producers might actually be the “injured party” because of AHF. But then that takes spending real money doesn’t it.
    Blank DVDs and paper Sleeves are fairly cheap in bulk.

    {cut&pastejob}
    Get a few volunteers and a couple of actors to make a “porno” film, according to Section 5193, totally nude except for wearing a condom (which will never be seen because explicit sex penetration will not be shown as possible) and over their nude selves wearing (but not limited to): gloves; gowns; laboratory coats; face shields and/or masks and eye protection; mouthpieces; resuscitation bags; et cetera.
    This need only be a 5 minute or so quickie where the actors go through the standard: she pretends to give him a blow-job; next he pretends to eat pussy; they pretend to engage in about 8 different intercourse positions, and then he pretends to stand over her kneeling and do the facial money shot. Standard fare.
    I would not use sound unless it is old Silent Pictures style improvised photoplay piano accompaniment (education should also be entertaining; especially towards hypocritical political opportunists).
    I would filter the Section 5193 Porn Shoot in b&w Sepia Tone with added CGI antique film flicker and film scratches (not overboard; just enough to notice it occasionally)
    I would use onscreen boxed inter-titles to tell the story and for dialogue (satirically to make my points, not as outright comedy). Onscreen intertitles boxes would say things like “Jane unzips Dick’s fly,” even though it is obvious she is only going through the motions because his protective gear does not have a fly. Et Cetera.
    The introduction onscreen intertitles would explain to the audience that the actors are totally nude except for the male wearing of a condom underneath all their Section 5193 workplace protective garb.
    When I say “I would (above)” this is as a lay person, not as an Adult Professional going before the California Assembly might want to make a presentation of Exhibit A: Section 5193 Porn Shoot.
    However, I would use a banana with a condom covering it for the initial blow job (don’t forget all those camera angles and close-ups).
    For the eating pussy scene angles perhaps a clam in an open shell, but inside a plastic sandwich bag. Just to emphasize the finer safety points of Section 5193.
    Then for the facial money shot pour some milk from one of those small milk cartons (open a fresh carton so everybody gets it) splashing around for her to drink and then add the onscreen intertitle box that says “Got Milk” so everybody realizes the excessively over hormone cow doped Milk Industry has been using the subliminal cum-shot facial images for all these years themselves exploiting porn movies.
    And I’d add an onscreen intertitle: “No porn stars were treated like animals or harmed during the making of this motion picture.”
    Of course, right before I would make a presentation before the State Assembly I would ask them, by a show of hands, how many of them have ever watched a porn film before? Then after not all the hands go up, I’d state, for the written transcript of the Assembly Record, “Well, you can lie to me, but you can’t lie before the eyes of God,” and wink at all of them. Just to give them something to think about.

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