Sometimes you just have to let go…

24 Comments on Sometimes you just have to let go…

Michael Whiteacre on Sun, 25th Dec 2011 2:13 pm


Happy holidays, Lydia.

Julie Meadows on Sun, 25th Dec 2011 3:02 pm


Happy Holidays, my friend.

Adam Wilcox on Mon, 26th Dec 2011 5:15 am


Lydia: I understand the points you made here. To be honest, I suppose I’m one of those who has chosen to only write about the “light” subject matter you spoke of. It’s a decision I made even before I launched my site with my reasoning being essentially what you spoke of here: Not to “rock the boat.”

I wish you the best in whatever you decide. I hope you had a great Christmas

Tjen on Wed, 28th Dec 2011 9:47 am


After watching a few of your youtube interviews namely with Tanner (got me in tears), Kross and Bobbi Starr, I have to say, you are a most thoughtful, present, open and compassionate interviewer. Thank you for those, it was interesting and REFRESHING to hear their stories.

The points and questions you raise on your blog are definitely going to arouse strong reactions and intense debates. I don’t think I could stomach it long term either.

It’s such a complex issue, but such a pressing one given the proliferation of free porn via the internet.

It’s a challenging issue for me personally, because I am aroused by pornography, and have occasionally supported the industry with clicks and traffic (which is why I won’t from now on call myself ‘Anti-porn). But at the same time, I can’t ignore its effect on people. And this is apparent to me especially with teenagers.

I have done a lot of substitute teaching in high schools, and cannot help but notice the increasingly pornified environment; boys going on about who they would like to get drunk and gang bang (or even rape), or looking at girls and voting on who they think will perform the best deep throat, or the complete the shutting down of girls with the proverbial ‘whore’ or shut up slut remark. It’s just a very disturbing scene.

And I have nothing against teens having sex. It’s normal to be sexually curious as a teenager. But porn has truly hijacked teen sexuality–boys equate sex with having their sexual desires and fantasies met (there’s more and more pressure for young girls to do anal, threesomes, gagging, acting like a porn star, getting filmed, which sometimes leak, and who do you think is glorified and who do you think is shunned? etc.) and girls learn that sex is all about pleasing the guy, and molding themselves into sexual toys.

And of course parents, who are reticent to broach the sex topic in the first place have no idea what kind of complex sexual landscape these kids inhabit. I am not religious, but I thank the Lord high school is behind me! I really feel for these kids. But most of all, I wonder what kind of adults they will become.

So porn affects people! Media impacts how women and men feel about their bodies (causing problems like anorexia, or addiction to plastic surgery etc.), media gets people to buy crap they don’t even need. Media CREATES AND SHAPES consciousness. So when I hear the argument that porn is not harmful, I wonder what planet do you live on? Hang out in a high school for a week and then you can tell me porn has no impact on sex lives, relationships, and gender relations.

Anyway, I wonder how this whole thing is going to play out….

Sorry for the rant–this issue brings up so many mixed feelings in me as it probably does for many.

Julie Meadows on Wed, 28th Dec 2011 11:46 am


@Tjen–The only comfort in any of this is that nothing lasts forever. We get sold a lot of crap–across the board. Fast food, impractical dream ideas through magazines featuring overly airbrushed models with naturally pouty lips. I knew two people who were addicted to plastic surgery. Anything can be an addiction. Porn is formulaic and redundant. So are romantic comedies. I’ve been over romantic comedies for years now.

You’re right, which is why I don’t watch porn or romantic comedies. (lol) I think the balance where porn is concerned would mean teaching sex in school. And no, I don’t mean real live demonstrations, I mean teaching about the biological makeup of the sex organs, what really stimulates the female, the consequences of unprotected sex, etc… I think we have an extreme imbalance in this country when it comes to consumption and communication because every novelty is thrown at us, but information is held back. Our public school systems are laughable. Most of what I learned in Texas was long outdated information. Did I know that? No. I was trusting that I was learning things that were correct. We can go tit for tat over a million ills in our society, but the one thing no one really wants in this country is mature conversation. And it’s getting worse. Look at how easily riled people are, chasing their emotions every time something touchy comes up. You can’t voice an opinion over the internet or ask sensitive questions without inviting trolls and cyberbullies into your life. The human race is a cancer, and our leaders don’t care about our problems. They care that we have these stupid problems so that we’re constantly blind to real issues.

Porn is a trashy industry, but so is every other industry in this country. If you want to know where even seedier things happen, look at prostitution and sex trafficking. Adults choosing sex work is the least of our problems, but the people who feed off of porn and know they could be doing better work by aiding people who are truly enslaved, are just as scummy as pornographers taking out their insecurities on a young woman who has no idea what it’s like to be punched in the back of the head during sex. “It will only last a minute, but if you don’t do it, you won’t get paid.” Charming.

Tjen on Wed, 28th Dec 2011 1:55 pm


Yeah digging deeper into this issue is certainly altering my view of humanity. I’m finding that focusing on what isn’t working (and which I feel powerless to change) is not good for my overall sanity– I understand your desire to step back at least for a bit.

Yunno, I also get comfort from the fact that nothing lasts forever, and that societies can change. We’ve seen lots of change recently; Egypt, Occupy…social progress in many areas is happening in front of our very eyes. Thankfully, people are standing up and refusing to be boxed in, told what do do, how to live, who do be. And now that porn sex is increasingly becoming the status quo, and (ironically) undermining sexual choice, that box will have to shattered as well.

I mentioned above that I watched porn–mostly with my ex- partner and only occasionally on my own, (I actually haven’t since reflecting more in depth about this issue). And while porn is a turn on, I feel it actually undermines having a real intimate relationship with one’s own body. I think there is so much more freedom and fulfillment gained by exploring and experiencing a body (our own/a partner’s) with awareness and attention, instead of via some head game or fantasy.

More and more I’m thinking the ‘solution’ is a spiritual one. And I just mean people accessing their innate wisdom, power and connection.

Dawson on Wed, 28th Dec 2011 3:20 pm


@Tjen: I have to take issue with what you’ve stated.

I started high school in 1969 and graduated high school in 1973 and almost nothing you just mentioned did I not hear guys talk about back then. And there were high school rapes, pregnancies, drugs, DUIs and Darwin Award fatalities back then.

And don’t just think it was one school I went to, because we moved twice between 3 states and I attended 3 different high schools before I graduated.

“Our School, Number One” is propaganda Myth and not all kids are nice and “Glee,” and then they turn into parents themselves and get selective amnesia about their peers.

I don’t think things have changed with kids as much as people like to pretend, or worse forget was going on when they were kids.

Sorry, but I disagree.

Tjen on Wed, 28th Dec 2011 3:39 pm


Dawson, do you think porn influences the way we (society) is having sex?

Michael Whiteacre on Wed, 28th Dec 2011 4:01 pm


I’ll answer that. I think pornography, like fashion or mainstream movies or music videos or literature, constitutes a SOURCE of possibilities for those who are seeking to learn or experiment. I don’t think society is generally “affected” or “influenced’ beyond seeing something new or different and deciding whether or not to try it out themselves. The opposite is also true: I’ve seen food dishes prepared on TV and thought, “That’s disgusting — I hope to never try that!” I’ve seen certain extreme sports and thought the same.

Have I ever bought a shirt or a pair of glasses because I saw it in the movies? Absolutely. But that hasn’t shaped or warped my senses any more than if I’d seen it in a catalog or in a store window. With sexual practices, we don’t have store windows.

i object to the term “influence” in this context because it seems to presume that viewers are mind-numbed ‘sponges’ who are hopelessly doomed to re-enact that which they have had “forced down their throats” via the media.

This goes back to the old spurious argument about violence on TV leading to violence in the streets. There are lots of situation comedies on TV — but it hasn’t yet led to comedy in the streets.

Dawson on Wed, 28th Dec 2011 4:32 pm


@Tjen: Only somewhat. I think because more so-called “nice girls” have access to porn they are more aware of things that are sexually interesting to them.

I still think most guys talk “bullshit” about their sex lives (even after they are married).

My whole adult life I’ve never gotten to do anything the Lady I was with didn’t want to do. If she didn’t want to try it, it wasn’t happening.

I’m gonna tell a true story here.

My first wife had been married before to a religious fundamentalist who would only allow sex in the “Missionary Position.” She wasn’t allowed to move or make sounds (or he called her a whore), and after his 3 minutes to orgasm was up it was over. Funny how people who are sexually screwed up are usually assholes in other ways too.

But because of his demands, Dawn did not know how to screw!

One of the first things I did after we started dating was went to an Adult Book Store and bought a deck of those explicit playing cards.

I took the deck and shuffled the cards and told her to pick a card and that was the position we were trying (except for certain things she didn’t like).

Those cards should have a warning label on the box, “Don’t try all these positions at home, trained XXX professionals.” You want to know about carpet burns on the knees?

We may have had fights (disagreements) over the years, but we made up by bedtime. I never had to sleep on the couch. Thank you deck of cards!

Michael Whiteacre on Wed, 28th Dec 2011 5:15 pm


You illustrate my point , Dawson — you two sought information/inspiration, and were able to find it.

The words “influence” and “affect” make the process sound insidious per se.

Tjen on Wed, 28th Dec 2011 5:17 pm


Dawson, thats a sweet story–thank you for sharing

Michael, among youth 18 and younger, liposuctions nearly quadrupled between 97 and 2007 and breast augmentation increased nearly six-fold in the same 10 year period.

If media has no impact on behaviour or on the way we view ourselves and the world, how do you explain the increase in plastic surgery for instance? Just curious… its minus 20 here and there a foot of snow on the ground, Im cooped in and ready to debate!

Dawson on Wed, 28th Dec 2011 7:46 pm


Media is like a stripper. If you pay Media, she will sit with you and tell you what you want to hear and believe about yourself.

If you don’t pay Media, she will ignore you for another customer who is willing to pay for the advertised goods.

Michael Whiteacre on Thu, 29th Dec 2011 10:44 am


@Tjen – 1) I don’t argue that media has ZERO impact; I argue that, for the vast majority of people, media has no more impact than the Sears Roebuck catalog did in days gone by. The predominant manner in which media, fashion, and culture generally, have “effect” on people is through those who willingly seek out that inspiration.

There are millions of items in a catalog, but if yo REALLY ant that Red Rider pellet gun, or that storage freer for your garage, that is what you’ll gravitate toward and fixate upon — over everything else. The catalog presents a multitude of options — the reader is responsive to those things which strike a responsive chord in that reader. That desire/interest/curiosity already existed in that reader/viewer.

In addition, we are constantly besieged by “fads” carried along on the magic vapor of media “buzz” and “spin.” If the media were that omnipotent and influential, why don’t all those fads (not to mention, all the total flops) become cultural mainstays?

No amount of advertising saturation will make me interested in something I personally find repellent. Do weak-minded individuals who are inordinately susceptible to suggestion exist? Sure — but we don’t (or shouldn’t) cater our society to the lowest common denominator. To quote Nina Hartley, the world can’t be made a child-safe day nursery.

2) The increase in cosmetic surgery can be explained in other ways: for one thing, in its present form it’s a relatively new invention. New things can take a few generations to catch on — particularly when the cost of once-expseive things starts to drop, and they slowly become more readily available. Supply and demand.

In addition, sexual mores have changed quite a lot during my lifetime. It’s no longer considered the province of slutty “strippers” to have breast augmentation — particularly since advances in cosmetic surgery have allowed many women who had mastectomies to regain a sense of themselves and their bodies through restoration surgery. In fact, the very first beast implants I ever saw were on a family friend who had corrective surgery following a radical mastectomy.

It wasn’t “media” that brought that woman, and thousands upon thousands like her, to cocktail parties and water coolers — it was just “life.” Personal experience set the stage: people saw something new, learned about it, and that thing was suddenly no longer “strange.”

In my personal experience, women often have cosmetic surgery to compete with other women. A century and a half ago, women wore tight corsets to alter their bodies — was media to blame then, too? We’re talking about human behavior, and the drives and impulses within us. The “media” is, by and large, a scapegoat.

Dawson on Thu, 29th Dec 2011 1:15 pm


If there was no “Media” women would still own lots of shoes and men would still own lots of gadgets.

For years archaeologists tried to hide ancient pornographic artwork and crafts. But it is showing up more and more on the mainstream TV of The History Channel. Nothing has changed with people but our technology.

People were interested in, enjoyed all sorts of various acts, and had sex back then too or we wouldn’t be here reading this now.

Tjen on Fri, 30th Dec 2011 3:59 pm


Michael, while I support your statement that media will “speak to” those in whom the desire/interest/curiosity already exists, does this cancel out the possibility that media can also IMPLANT a desire/interest/curiosity/insecurity? Aren’t both possible? I personally feel pretty comfortable with my physical appearance; I was never teased, and I consider myself to be generally attractive, but get me flipping through fashion mags and watching the Victoria Secret fashion show and the Bachelor, and I’m thinking “I could loose a little weight, and a breast augmentation (someday) couldn’t hurt either”.

Media is more than a plethora of items/products in a catalogue you either resonate with or are ‘repelled’ by. Media sells an ideal, a worldview–its not neutral, and you don’t have to be a “mind numbed sponge” to succumb to media’s mostly subconscious messages (studies show we consciously process about 8% of the information we receive in media). Beyond the product, or the particulars of a a tv show or movie, lies a message, an ideal, and through exposure to media/pop culture, we internalize its often very detrimental and limiting messages, and adjust our worldview and behaviours accordingly.

A study conducted by Dr. Becker from Harvard, demonstrates how the introduction of television lead to eating disorders and low self-esteem for girls in Fiji, something almost unheard of prior to the arrival of western tv shows on the island. You can read the short article here:
http://www.nytimes.com/1999/05/20/world/study-finds-tv-alters-fiji-girls-view-of-body.html

Another study found that an equal number of male and female 7 year olds wanted to be president of the United States. A few years later, at age 15, the percentage of girls wanting to become president decreased exponentially. (you can check out http://www.missrepresentation).

You don’t have “seek” out the information containing subtle and not so subtle stereotypical messages either. It’s a massive part of our environment. You can’t turn media off the same way you might put away a catalogue or a book. It’s all around us, and most teens consume hours (I read about 10) of media daily. Does this mean kids should stop watching youtube, tv, and quit listening to pop music? Or do we have a right and duty to demand better representation, for both girls and boys, women and men?

You wrote “there are lots of situation comedies on t.v but that does’t lead to comedies on the street”. How do you know? How much research has gone into the pro-social aspects of media? I know that after watching a Seinfeld episode, I feel pretty damn funny myself (STELLA!!!-have u seen that one?)! Plus there are also fb pages devoted to sharing hilarious Seinfeld moments– I’m sure Seinfeld has also inspired a good number of comedians. If this is true, why wouldn’t violent, demeaning and limiting portrayals of both genders affect us (in ways subtle and not so subtle) as well?

Moreover, if there is no link between media influence and plastic surgery, why is the media and entertainment hub of North American plastic/cosmetic surgery central?

(that was Long!–I could never be a lawyer

Tjen on Fri, 30th Dec 2011 4:07 pm


I saw this trailer a while back, and it got me thinking about how media shapes culture (that’s where I got the “media shapes consciousness” quote).

Its a trailer for a film called Miss representation, and its encouraging teens to view media in a more critical fashion. I think that an awesome thing! Education needs to adapt to the times….


Dawson on Sat, 31st Dec 2011 1:17 am


I saw it on YouTube (or TV), and these people making the documentary don’t have any agenda, and they are smarter than me,…
…so its got to be true.

Everybody modeling or acting, female or male, in these ads have made a career out of exploiting themselves and there is a very long line at agencies and casting calls for more young hopefuls wanting an exploitation career.

Ever go watch cheerleader tryouts or Little Miss think up a contest name Beauty Pageants. A lot of girls want to be girls.

A lot of boys will warm the bench on a football team to be one of the guys.

Take away the media and everyone would still be preoccupied with their looks the same way animals display to attract a mate.

All those weight loss and hair loss commercials are about people trying to get laid, and if you think otherwise you’re fooling yourself. It’s Aftershave telling you to have enough placebo confidence to ask Susie out on a date. And dating is about trying to get laid and get married.

The media is appealing to our Vanity while it is trying to pick our pocket by establishing consumer brand loyalties.

You cannot take human nature out of humans. You can suppress it, but who wants a world of out-of-her-fucking-mind Ann Coulters. She and her female Republican pals are who sold the country and our manufacturing base off to China–Great female business role models for little girls there.

And as far as the biased statistics about women in the workforce and politics. Statistics lie–and I worked political and market research for awhile. The fact is, there are still the vast majority of women out there who just want to be wives and want to raise a family at home, so they are not actively seeking to increase the percentages in CEO positions, or movie directors or Secretaries of State. Never going to statistically happen.

When I was doing subcontractor work at KFC’s International Headquarters back in the ’90s they had 13 floors of offices between 2 buildings with a white collar workforce of 85% women.

And when I did a lot of Temp work when I was in between jobs, I saw quite a few small businesses owned by women who would not hire a guy to work there unless he was gay.

First hand fly-on-the-wall experience trumps feminist-spin pseudo documentaries.

Tjen on Sat, 31st Dec 2011 6:39 am


good points,

I also have a few reservations about the movie, and think it offers an over simplified take on the very complex “women are objectified and exploited for their bodies” issue (although I know a bit about their campaign and the message is not about blaming men or that women are victims). The message is simply: the picture that media paints is not complete, and if women are to be represented in all their wholeness and complexity, we need more female perspectives behind the scenes, as well as playing diverse roles in front of the camera. I would love more movies about women who excel in sports and politics etc. The roles for men and women are so limited in pop culture.

There is no doubt media REFLECTS our obsessions with the body, this goes without saying, my question is, to what extent is media AMPLIFYING this obsession? And what are the consequences of this one pointed obsession and focus on how women look, while minimizing their other attributes and achievements?

I don’t think it hurts to encourage teens to start to view media critically. Because we don’t necessarily NOTICE these injustices; as the axiom goes, power conceals itself from those who have it, and reveals itself to those who don’t. I only recently realized how absent the African American, Hispanic and other “minorities”‘ presence is in ads and tv, because unless “you” are the one who is left behind, or being stereotyped and misrepresented, chances are you might not take notice.

Dawson on Sat, 31st Dec 2011 11:32 am


One more point about the above documentary. I didn’t hear any bitching about there not being a higher percentage of women plumbers or electricians. And last night I was watching 2 different programs about women pilots, one a USAF F-15 Jet Fighter pilot.

When I lived in Memphis, Tennessee we didn’t have African Americans (the current Politically Correct word for “Colored”). Black Mayor Herrington would say, “People have to realize Memphis is a predominately Black City now.” The last company in Memphis I worked with I was one of the few non-blacks, and I never once heard anybody who was Black referring to other Blacks as “African American.” The only time you read “African American” was in the Newspaper when it said “George Washington, an African American, broke into a house last night.” If George Washington had been a “European American” it wouldn’t have gotten mentioned in the paper. “African American” is a Media Term you only hear from the “Chip-on-their-shoulder” people.

But if you live somewhere like Memphis, the Advertising & Marketing Media run a lot more TV ads with Blacks in them that you won’t see where I live now. In Memphis most of the Yuppies I worked with were Black, so the Media targets where the money is.

I bet if you live somewhere with a lot of Latino Yuppies you see a lot more “Hispanic” TV ads and billboards.

You wonder why there are less and less great movies being made and it seems like the theaters are full of Teen Romance Vampire movies and 2-hour Action-Adventure “Synergy” Toy Commercials? Guess who is buying movie tickets. And those movies are designed to be 2-hour toy commercials Mom & Dad.

But you are forgetting something we don’t like to talk about. If 100 is an average I.Q. score, it means there are as many people below 100 as above it.

The fact that people elected the very Politicians who de-regulated Trade Tariffs and passed Tax Breaks for Companies moving manufacturing overseas is proof enough there are a lot of stupid people out there who think and buy and vote like lynch mobs.

And you better take a good look at who you are surrounded by, because they outnumber you.

What’s “Popular” is more important than what’s “Good.” And they are happy to let their Church or FOX News Network do their thinking for them. And They are the target demographic for Media Marketing to separate from their Money.

Is Beyonce Knowles really gonna sell me a Fiat?

Another thing we don’t like to face is not all wonderful “Future-of-the-World” Children, are anything but Natural-Born predators. Our Prisons are full of them and they were not all abused children and the Media did not make them Sociopaths anymore than the Media makes people gay.

Want to spot a Sociopath quick, spot a Preacher saying the Media creates godless gays. And sociopaths are born that way the same as Siamese Twins are born that way. If you have a sociopath in the family then you know because everyone wonders why they turned out like that–they were born selfish.

Since I was in high school and started paying attention to these things, the Preachers have always been complaining about Education, Crime and it being the “Liberal” Media’s fault. These Preachers are taking aim at their target demographic.

The whole War On Drugs is marketed as, because The Devil makes teenage girls want to have Sex on Drugs, by Preachers. Preachers cause high crime rates and create citizen criminals because they cause “Prohibition” black-markets.

End the Drugs Prohibition just like we did the Alcohol Prohibition (caused by Preachers) and crime rates will drop off overnight now just as they did back when that black-market became legal, regulated and taxed. And we can quit throwing good tax dollars after bad fighting it.

And who is it wants more invasive laws concerning your Sex life? Preachers who can’t seem to keep their own dicks in their own pants, all the while blaming “Media.” Preachers sell “Guilt” that can be forgiven for just a tenth of your pay check. Or in extreme cases, like in the Bible’s book of Acts 5:1 – 5:11 God will supernaturally kill you if you don’t cough up all your money to St. Peter and his New Church.

Just remember to take a Real Hard Look at who points the finger of Blame at “Media” and everybody else and then hides behind God’s skirt. And who is it trying to take over your Public Board of Education?

{For the record, no I am not an atheist, but a very spiritual person who believes in the Nature God gave me, and thinks all, and I mean all, Preachers should go to Prison on Fraud charges for the damages they have caused Humanity}

Matter of Fact: The United States Declaration Of Independence says nothing about the Bible’s God or Jesus. It says, “…people…,the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them…”

Raise hands everybody in Church who knew that?

Dawson on Sat, 31st Dec 2011 6:11 pm


I’ll be damned! That was Jennifer Lopez strutting around that munchkin Fiat. LOL!!!

Does FIAT still stand for “Fix It All the Time”?

Other than the fact that they are both strutting airheads, I don’t see how I could have confused J Lo and Beyonce.

My Niece’s daughter wants to be Beyonce when she grows up. Maybe by the time she turns 6 she will want to be Kim Kardashian. And maybe by the time she turns 18 she will want to be herself.

Dawson on Wed, 4th Jan 2012 5:51 pm


Here’s a 1998 SNL spoof about the Media Conspiracy to control how you think.

Just found this and thought You might enjoy.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/04/banned-snl-clip-video_n_1184426.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003

Tjen on Sat, 7th Jan 2012 4:19 pm


bit off topic, but I thought you would enjoy this male porn star’s perspective Lydia (if you don’t already know him)…his writing is heartwrenchingly raw and honest, and thought provoking.

http://tylerknight.com/2011/12/18/somethings-rotten-in-chatsworth/

Dawson on Mon, 9th Jan 2012 3:43 pm


@Tjen: Back when guys used to buy pornographic paperbacks (we literally called them “Fuck Books” back then)from Adult Bookstores, and they would get passed around the military barracks, this guy’s writing is what they read like.

Sorry, and I read through all his pages, but this doesn’t read like true documentary detail. It reads like someone writing a cheap drama “fuck book.”

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