First of all, I’d like to say that I finally posted my thoughts about an ex-friend at this link (deleted). I still will not use her name here, because on this site her name is associated with positive things and I’d like to keep it that way. I posted an interview (deleted), a cartoon picture (deleted), I advertised her book (deleted), invited her to create chalk art with me at a street festival… I’m all but embarrassed to have created this blog and for trying to make a documentary with my friend Jonathan Appel. She is the reason I started critiquing Shelley Lubben severely, yet now she’s taken up Lubben’s schtick and is running with it. She retweeted this by “slubben” the other day:
Pornographers, if you already have felonies and you commit violent crimes against women, you will die in prison
What does that even mean, really? They are the queens of twisted and ominous twitter posts, I swear. No one cares if Lubben actually gets help for her problems. Lubben et al don’t care if pornographers harm women, or they’d care that they harm themselves, as well. It’s all just a lot of chest puffing and ego on both sides. The pro-porn/anti-porn back and forth is bullshit. I wish I’d never created this blog or had anything to do with this industry after my performing career.
(Deleted comment to Brandon Iron about not yet having seen his current movies.)
I have been interested in “the other side.” I started this blog to highlight the positives about my career and about the industry from my perspective, but now that I have exhausted the positives, I’m left looking at the other side. The side where people think a female crying during or after sex is a “breakthrough” rather than an emotional and mental breakdown. I think the Los Angeles-based adult industry is imploding on itself for good reason. Industries in other countries may be great, responsible places to work, but here it is a mess. I can’t champion an industry fraught with agents who send models on escort calls without telling them that’s what they’re doing. I don’t even watch porn for fun, so what am I really doing here? Apologizing for my career? Explaining it so that I might help educate people? All it’s become is a vehicle for a one-sided story. And then I thought I had a female friend, someone like me, that I could bond with because finding a woman to bond with who understands this industry is really hard. Instead I get accusations and insults just because I’m cordial with people she doesn’t like. I’m so disgusted I’m seriously considering obliterating this blog altogether. It’s become a joke, and everything I see is ridiculous.
I’m glad Michael Whiteacre got his YouTube channel back. Shelley Lubben sent so many DMCA letters that YouTube removed it for a time. Jordan Owen’s parody on Lubben wielding a staff towards the four corners of the earth was also removed due to Lubben’s DMCA letters, yet their work is protected under Fair Use. In fact, it looks like Anthony Kennerson also got his mirrored video back online. How can you send out DMCA notices knowing you use the copyrighted photos of deceased people; knowing that after getting a kind and pleading email from a deceased person’s family member that you do not possess the respect to take her photo from your exploitative and lying video?
And that’s another thing. How can this ex-friend of mine call CPS on her enemies and go on and on about exploiting children when she’s seen Lubben’s flier posing her own prepubescent child in makeup, underclothes and holding a teddy bear and looking near tears as a way to talk about child pornography? Did this circulate during an event about child pornography? No. It was used for shock value and to conflate the legal adult industry with illegal pornographic activity. In fact, the event was orchestrated to talk about condoms. Condoms. What kind of person circulates photos of her child in almost no clothing for pedophiles to find and leer at? How can you care about me and not have a conscience about your own daughter? If someone has the flier, can you please send it? I’m tried of mentioning it and not being able to post it. I will blur out the little girl’s face, of course.
It’s becoming increasingly difficult to find a reason to care. There is no war to be won. In the ideal anti-porn world no one gets to celebrate their adult fortunes and mistakes. In the ideal pro-porn world, things go on as-is and people like me are booked for sex work we don’t ascribe to just because we’re willing to work, period.
I knew a woman who, like me at that time, was an escort. She sent her friends to some of her clients. A mutual friend, also an escort, told me one day, “If she tries to send you to xxxx, don’t take it. She sent me to that guy, and he was dead in the eyes. He berated me and called me names the entire time. I got through it but I broke down after. When I asked her why she didn’t tell me the guy was going to be abusive, she said, ‘It’s just like any scene you’d do, right?’ I gasped! I don’t do scenes like that!!” Sure enough, she tried to send me to that guy. “Is he the Indian who’s big on name-calling?” “Yes.” “Then no. I don’t do work that intentionally degrades me.” She just blinked at me. She couldn’t get her head around that.
Is anger during sex so normal nowadays that men and women don’t know there are people like me and “Tracy” who don’t enjoy being called names and slapped and spit on? Is that the criteria now for being in the sex industry? That if you’re willing to have sex you are automatically deserving of a situation you may have never been in in your life? I have no daddy fetish. I have never been “choked out”. And the best part of being “vanilla” is getting put down for it by defensive people who are just as incapable as I am of adapting to the situation, only the other way, because they can’t have straight sex that involves smiles and laughter. They can’t not play a role. I have never put that kind of sex down for other people, yet now that I’m asking questions I’m getting treated like there’s something wrong with me because I’m incapable of understanding anything other than “boring sex.” I want to understand. That’s why I ask questions.
I once asked my best friend, Chloe, why she enjoyed bondage and pain. She explained it to me. It’s really that simple, but people who need to justify hurting others during sex don’t ask me why I like “vanilla” sex. They spit their perspective at me. I’m capable of understanding, but I don’t think they’re capable of explaining it, because I think it goes much deeper than “it’s expression”. The people I know who enjoy certain types of sex experienced that kind of sex in their personal lives. I never experienced sex in my life that wasn’t really basic until I got into porn. I chose work that I felt would leave me and my scene partner(s) feeling like we bonded beyond our bodies. I chose work that I enjoyed in private; that would feed my soul as much as possible based upon the nature of the job.
I would never suggest someone choose sex work unless you have such a passion for it you feel you aren’t living unless you do it; unless you feel it’s your destiny. Don’t be lured, don’t be convinced to try it just because some male or female says they like you and that it will make you rich. It’s an unsustainable life choice, especially with the economy where it is and piracy on the rise. Don’t expect for one second you’ll become a Jenna Jameson. Those days are over. Work on your intellect, because if you do choose pornography, you may never get past it later in life. The industry itself isn’t the worst part, it’s finding out after you’re done that the hypocrites who still watch your movies in private are more than willing to spit on you in public.
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