A few things…

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First of all, I’d like to say that I finally posted my thoughts about an ex-friend at this link (deleted). I still will not use her name here, because on this site her name is associated with positive things and I’d like to keep it that way. I posted an interview (deleted), a cartoon picture (deleted), I advertised her book (deleted), invited her to create chalk art with me at a street festival… I’m all but embarrassed to have created this blog and for trying to make a documentary with my friend Jonathan Appel. She is the reason I started critiquing Shelley Lubben severely, yet now she’s taken up Lubben’s schtick and is running with it. She retweeted this by “slubben” the other day:

Pornographers, if you already have felonies and you commit violent crimes against women, you will die in prison

What does that even mean, really? They are the queens of twisted and ominous twitter posts, I swear. No one cares if Lubben actually gets help for her problems. Lubben et al don’t care if pornographers harm women, or they’d care that they harm themselves, as well. It’s all just a lot of chest puffing and ego on both sides. The pro-porn/anti-porn back and forth is bullshit. I wish I’d never created this blog or had anything to do with this industry after my performing career.

(Deleted comment to Brandon Iron about not yet having seen his current movies.)

I have been interested in “the other side.” I started this blog to highlight the positives about my career and about the industry from my perspective, but now that I have exhausted the positives, I’m left looking at the other side. The side where people think a female crying during or after sex is a “breakthrough” rather than an emotional and mental breakdown. I think the Los Angeles-based adult industry is imploding on itself for good reason. Industries in other countries may be great, responsible places to work, but here it is a mess. I can’t champion an industry fraught with agents who send models on escort calls without telling them that’s what they’re doing. I don’t even watch porn for fun, so what am I really doing here? Apologizing for my career? Explaining it so that I might help educate people? All it’s become is a vehicle for a one-sided story. And then I thought I had a female friend, someone like me, that I could bond with because finding a woman to bond with who understands this industry is really hard. Instead I get accusations and insults just because I’m cordial with people she doesn’t like. I’m so disgusted I’m seriously considering obliterating this blog altogether. It’s become a joke, and everything I see is ridiculous.

I’m glad Michael Whiteacre got his YouTube channel back. Shelley Lubben sent so many DMCA letters that YouTube removed it for a time. Jordan Owen’s parody on Lubben wielding a staff towards the four corners of the earth was also removed due to Lubben’s DMCA letters, yet their work is protected under Fair Use. In fact, it looks like Anthony Kennerson also got his mirrored video back online. How can you send out DMCA notices knowing you use the copyrighted photos of deceased people; knowing that after getting a kind and pleading email from a deceased person’s family member that you do not possess the respect to take her photo from your exploitative and lying video?

And that’s another thing. How can this ex-friend of mine call CPS on her enemies and go on and on about exploiting children when she’s seen Lubben’s flier posing her own prepubescent child in makeup, underclothes and holding a teddy bear and looking near tears as a way to talk about child pornography? Did this circulate during an event about child pornography? No. It was used for shock value and to conflate the legal adult industry with illegal pornographic activity. In fact, the event was orchestrated to talk about condoms. Condoms. What kind of person circulates photos of her child in almost no clothing for pedophiles to find and leer at? How can you care about me and not have a conscience about your own daughter? If someone has the flier, can you please send it? I’m tried of mentioning it and not being able to post it. I will blur out the little girl’s face, of course.

It’s becoming increasingly difficult to find a reason to care. There is no war to be won. In the ideal anti-porn world no one gets to celebrate their adult fortunes and mistakes. In the ideal pro-porn world, things go on as-is and people like me are booked for sex work we don’t ascribe to just because we’re willing to work, period.

I knew a woman who, like me at that time, was an escort. She sent her friends to some of her clients. A mutual friend, also an escort, told me one day, “If she tries to send you to xxxx, don’t take it. She sent me to that guy, and he was dead in the eyes. He berated me and called me names the entire time. I got through it but I broke down after. When I asked her why she didn’t tell me the guy was going to be abusive, she said, ‘It’s just like any scene you’d do, right?’ I gasped! I don’t do scenes like that!!” Sure enough, she tried to send me to that guy. “Is he the Indian who’s big on name-calling?” “Yes.” “Then no. I don’t do work that intentionally degrades me.” She just blinked at me. She couldn’t get her head around that.

Is anger during sex so normal nowadays that men and women don’t know there are people like me and “Tracy” who don’t enjoy being called names and slapped and spit on? Is that the criteria now for being in the sex industry? That if you’re willing to have sex you are automatically deserving of a situation you may have never been in in your life? I have no daddy fetish. I have never been “choked out”. And the best part of being “vanilla” is getting put down for it by defensive people who are just as incapable as I am of adapting to the situation, only the other way, because they can’t have straight sex that involves smiles and laughter. They can’t not play a role. I have never put that kind of sex down for other people, yet now that I’m asking questions I’m getting treated like there’s something wrong with me because I’m incapable of understanding anything other than “boring sex.” I want to understand. That’s why I ask questions.

I once asked my best friend, Chloe, why she enjoyed bondage and pain. She explained it to me. It’s really that simple, but people who need to justify hurting others during sex don’t ask me why I like “vanilla” sex. They spit their perspective at me. I’m capable of understanding, but I don’t think they’re capable of explaining it, because I think it goes much deeper than “it’s expression”. The people I know who enjoy certain types of sex experienced that kind of sex in their personal lives. I never experienced sex in my life that wasn’t really basic until I got into porn. I chose work that I felt would leave me and my scene partner(s) feeling like we bonded beyond our bodies. I chose work that I enjoyed in private; that would feed my soul as much as possible based upon the nature of the job.

I would never suggest someone choose sex work unless you have such a passion for it you feel you aren’t living unless you do it; unless you feel it’s your destiny. Don’t be lured, don’t be convinced to try it just because some male or female says they like you and that it will make you rich. It’s an unsustainable life choice, especially with the economy where it is and piracy on the rise. Don’t expect for one second you’ll become a Jenna Jameson. Those days are over. Work on your intellect, because if you do choose pornography, you may never get past it later in life. The industry itself isn’t the worst part, it’s finding out after you’re done that the hypocrites who still watch your movies in private are more than willing to spit on you in public.


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Author: Julie Meadows

Francophile, oenophile, French Scrabble advocate and future zombie apocalypse survivor.

14 Comments

  1. I think this blog has been a wonderful source of insight and experience in an industry. To regret working on it because of someone’s betrayal would be to give their actions too much acknowledgement.

  2. I’m with Brian…personal betrayal can be an ugly, ugly thing, but you didn’t create this blog merely because of this “friend”. Chronicling your own experiences is far more important and will have far more positive everlasting effects.

    Who knows what motivates some people to manipulate like that??

    And yeah, some of us on the pro-porn side are so busy fighting the fight that we miss the multcolor in all our struggles against the Dark Side….which is why we still need your swift kicks in our asses to remind us once in a while. All experiences — good, bad, ugly, beautiful, and mundane — should matter.

    Anthony

  3. Lydia: I echo Anthony and Brian’s statements and am sorry to hear you regret launching this website. While I certainly understand the stress you mentioned, I don’t think you should be sorry for anything and hope you will not close this page down based on those frustrations because I think your insights are valuable.

    Personally, I have always considered your blog to be one of the most thoughtful and informative ones to be found on the adult industry. I’ve always appreciated your fair and balanced views and it’s nice to know there is someone I can go to for an honest, just and intelligent opinion.

    You may be right: Perhaps there really is no anti-porn/pro-porn “war” – just a bunch of people throwing their opinions around. And while some people’s views can be as obnoxious as Hell sometimes, I say … blah. People will do what they’ll do.

    Anyway, just my two cents ;)

  4. I was very surpirsed to see who the friend in question was. Very surprised. From what I have read and heard and seen of her on interviews she seemed to be level headed and looked at things from all angles. I suppose people will never fail to surprise. And shock.

  5. You guys make it all worthwhile. I hope I can find a way to continue. Everything just hurts like hell right now. Write or give up is what I’m left with, I guess.

  6. Don’t give up Lydia! Sorry for your harsh and raw betrayal, but even through your pain your generous heart shines through in that you want her to remain in a positive light on your blog! You’re an example to us all.

    There is no doubt in my mind that no act of kindness is ever wasted. Never does one extend grace to a human being in vain. Perhaps you may not see it now, but I know it will return to you 1000 fold. . . someday.

  7. Keep writing. Don’t let others opinions make you give up. Your ex friend makes her own choices…leave her to it and just continue on with your work. :)

  8. you’re a unique presence in a world of confusion. it’s tragic that you’re so often misunderstood. mille merci, Lydia

  9. Alex! I was thinking about you the other day. I was wondering what you are up to and how life is treating you. Very well, I hope. :)

    I’d never quit writing just because my ex-friend thinks I’m a Satanist. (lol) Or fat. Or deserving of STD’s. Although I can say, if this is obesity, obesity looks pretty good. :) Also, I’m married to the last monogamous male. A hot one, too. I do not foresee STD’s or HIV in my future based upon his cheating on me, or I on him.

    Oh, and I’m agnostic–not a Satanist. I’m aware enough to know there’s something greater than myself, but not so presumptuous as to assume what or who it is or might be. It doesn’t bother me to say that I just don’t know, although I am aware of a deep connection with other living things. Pat Condell is a funny guy who makes funny points about religious fanatics. Why is it when you don’t claim a religious affiliation people instantly think you’re an atheist? Atheists don’t believe in anything.

    I’ll probably keep writing and just brace myself for bullying. Maybe I’ll sit and meditate on good things happening to her today. Caring for someone is not a weakness.

  10. I’m still waiting on the Julie Meadows Biography, screenplay and the Movie.

    I never knew Julie Meadows, but she seemed to live an interesting life that maybe young women could read about and learn from.

    I don’t know how the strip clubs worked when you were starting out, but I was discussing this with my niece the other night from when she was supporting her Baby’s Daddy by working at a local club here, and she told me she had to turn over her first $100 dollars in tips before she could keep a dime, or not get put on the schedule to work.

    And I thought these clubs made money off their $5 dollar beers and $15 dollar drinks (ice tea that looks like liquor) you can buy the dancers to sit and tell you what you want to hear.

    No wonder someone comes along and says something like, “Hey, want to make a quick $500 bucks shooting a film with your own couch potato boyfriend?” I could see someone jumping on that.

    And someone like Goneica Toxicter is just an age old example of “Users” always around us all with the “Glad Hand” who are predators always looking for the next meal ticket. The smile is the camouflage. But once they discover how much money can be made in Religion, remember, “They are not Perfect, they are just ‘Forgiven’ by Cry-st.”

    Keep in mind, I might have once been a Paratrooper Pimped out around the world by Uncle Sam, but that don’t make me like all the other nasty war whores. I tried to teach friends & foes there was a life after Government(s) Exploitation was over.

  11. Well, if you are an “A-gnostic” why haven’t you written for us here http://www.apocalypseandarmageddon.org/forum/?page_id=4/
    or about the “Satanists” here http://www.apocalypseandarmageddon.org/forum/?page_id=4/
    for the rest of us yet?

    Left a space for those Atheists here http://www.apocalypseandarmageddon.org/forum/?page_id=4/atheism/ too! They hate when they are left out.

    I used to date an Atheist. When she had an orgasm she use to cry out, “Oh My Non-existent Being!”

  12. Actually, Julie, atheists DO believe in some things. They just don’t believe in a deity running things.

    Personally, I can’t say that I’m an atheist or an agnostic…only a lasped Catholic who’s become much more liberal/radical/progressive on social and sexual issues. But, I’m not going to hate on anyone for their personal beliefs, as long as they don’t hate on mine (or anyone else’s). To each his/her own, I say.

    Anthony

  13. As far as your friend (or I guess ex-friend, now?) goes, I just read comment #8 with the associated links/comments, and I think Anthony hit it on the head: projection.

    And yet in spite of the dysfunction you’re getting served to you in all too generous portions lately, you still respond: “Maybe I’ll sit and meditate on good things happening to her today. Caring for someone is not a weakness.” Nothing could be more true, Lydia! That is uber cool, in fact, such a noble response is worthy of a “Squeee!” moment! :D

    Many times people are reactionary for reasons totally unknown to us. The most psychotic person I’ve ever seen in my life, I found out later was actually an executive for one of the largest companies in the world, and after 6 hours of total insanity, he was completely normal and coherent and could not remember a thing he’d said or done at all (he was on a drug)

    In his case, its easy to see why he was completely crazy. In others, its more subtle sometimes. People have tried to hit, spit, choke, grab, and tackle me at work on dozens of occasions. I honestly can’t think of a name I *haven’t* been called yet. Sometimes they’re intoxicated, but sometimes they’re not. Sometimes they have psychiatric problem that are undiagnosed, sometimes not.

    Once I had a co worker respond when called on the carpet for their unprofessional behavior to me by our supervisor finally say, “I don’t *know* why I’ve been treating you this way, I’m sorry. . .” Then after more conversation, turns out I actually look like someone who was very abusive to them in their childhood. Of course that could have been a total smoke screen to get the heat off them so they wouldn’t be fired, but they seemed genuinely repentant and they never mistreated me again.

    I’ve come to understand that people’s behaviors, good or bad don’t come out of a vacuum. One mysterious case we had of anaphylaxis to strawberries, ended up being completely unrelated to any sort of immune response, but that the person was abused in a strawberry shed when they were 3. When this was brought to the person’s conscious mind and treated professionally, the “allergy” was completely gone.

    My point is to affirm what you’ve made clear in asking, “What have I done? I’ve only tried to be her friend! (chalk drawings, wine invites, cartoon, etc for her). All rational beings can see that you’ve only tried to love and support her.

    So that’s just it, *you* haven’t done anything wrong, therefore *its not you* It has nothing to do with you. Her unkind behavior never had anything to do with you nor was incited by you.

    Just as there was a response to the strawberries, she may have been some sort of the same response to you. This does not absolve her of individual accountability for her malignant behavior at all of course, since we are much more than the sum of our experience; but also have free will and free choice, and Michael affirms and supports very eloquently in many of his posts. But hopefully this helps to understand and process and separate ourselves from the hate and hopefully in the end, love a human being anyway in spite of their short comings.

    Ultimately, none of us truly knows what lies underneath the surface of another person nor what they’ve gone through, nor what shapes, or has shaped the way they’re behaving today, but I know you are a person who sincerely tries to understand others and their unique perspectives; what makes them tic. Yet in spite your efforts, even you may not in the end. . .

    I treating a very deep and complicated laceration of a man’s forearm one day and asked how he got it. “My dog bit me.” and then he was very quiet for a long time.

    We exchanged a few more words as I continued to work. And I asked if he was upset as his dog for biting him. He replied, “Not at all, she didn’t know what she was doing. . .” He then sorrowfully told me that his dog was hit by a car in the street that night, and when he rushed out to help her, she tore up his arm.

    He did his best, but when he realized that she was critically injured, he just held her in his arms until she was dead. He spent quite a bit of time burying her before he came in to get treatment for himself.

    He understood, that although he had sustained one of the worst dog bites I’d ever seen (He had to get antibiotics as well as plastics eventually), his dog lashed out at him because she was hurting and scared and likely in shock and *it had nothing to do with him*

    Of course its different when its a human being and, unlike my cases at work, its someone you’ve shared a piece of your life and heart with. Her reactions have nothing to do with you or what you’ve done. I’m so glad you can have mercy and forgive her in spite of it because she probably doesn’t even know what she’s doing.

    It is true that those who have the most compassion for others, can love the deepest, but also hurt the deepest too. Your pain is great, because your *heart* is great, Lydia.

    And I hope that never changes,

    Tim

  14. Wow, Tim. That’s really nice. The story about the man and his dog is so sad, too, but I see a parallel there. I love her. I never tried to hurt her. She contacted me and I tried to feature her in a film celebrating women from the porn industry as human beings. I can’t finish it now because my filmmaking partner killed himself, but it was never my intention to be a source of pain to anybody.

    Thank you for your kind words. I suppose it is time for me to let go.

    @Dawson–Clubs differ from state to state. Her first $100??? That is horrible! “Keep in mind, I might have once been a Paratrooper Pimped out around the world by Uncle Sam, but that don’t make me like all the other nasty war whores. I tried to teach friends & foes there was a life after Government(s) Exploitation was over.” You have a wonderful way of laying it down. :D

    @Anthony–Amen. lol

    I guess what I read was that Atheists don’t believe in spirits and ghosts, and I’ve heard and seen too many things to think there isn’t a spirit world. But like you say, to each his/her own! To paraphrase Patton Oswalt, “If you are nice to me because you think that if you’re not a three-foot-tall midget will ass-rape you, by all means, keep believing that.”

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